30

"When you think about... really honing your craft, there are certainly people who have hit it in their twenties, but really late 30's early 40's are where you see people really hone it in.... That's really the time where you've fucked around, you've experimented with who you are, and then you really kind of get a solid idea and then its on." - Chris Hardwick

Well, everyone, I'm 30. So much has happened. Let me bring you up to the present.

First, my 30x30 ended. I did not finish all of them, but I was pushed to accomplish more goals than I ever thought I would, and never would have even challenged myself to do without the list.

Goals I accomplished
2) Fly an airplane. (5/11/14)
3) Go hang gliding. (completed 6/17/10)
6) Take a dance class in something that scares me like jazz or contemporary. (3/27/14)
10) Play a significant part in a Shakespeare play I love. (9/30/10)
11) Write poetry from the heart. (4/23/11)
12) Visit Massachusetts and walk the Freedom Trail. (8/15/13)
15) Learn to skate well. (2/2/11)
17) Dye my hair blue. (8/2/13)
20) Go hiking and camp out overnight.  (8/16/13)
21) Fly in a hot-air balloon. (8/14/13)
24) Spend a vacation  just living, rather than tourist-trap hopping. (12/31/12)
25) Spend a day completely unplugged. No cell phone, no computer, no nothing. (12/29/12)
27) Finish a crossword. (completed 4/7/11)

I have technically finished 4) Finish Grad School with a Masters in Library and Information Science. However, it is not officially in the system yet. I finished all my classes, just am waiting for them to confer the degree in January.

Total: 14

Goals I began or came really close to accomplishing
1) Learn a foreign language: I have been using Rosetta Stone for Spanish and Duolingo for French, but have not gotten up to a level where I feel I have "learned" the language.
8) Take a martial arts class: I went to Aikedo for one day, and I liked it. It was just too much for my schedule at that time.
18) Learn to play the violin: I took many classes with Jon Jon. My goal for this was to play a one of my target pieces of music like the theme to the Granada Sherlock Holmes. This has not yet happened.
23) Finish writing a novel: I have started my Monsters in the University novel and worked on it for several years. However, November has always been to overwhelming to finish. Maybe this NaNoWriMo.
26) Save $10,000. I was so close. I saved about $8,000 in my savings, and almost double my goal in my retirement fund, though I wasn't sure if that counted. Still, well done! Most money I have ever had.
28) Relearn legible (and pretty) handwriting, including my signature: I have been working my way through a handwriting book. Once I finish that, and can sign my name with patience, I think I will be ok.
30) Find my spiritual home: I have found a church in DC that I like, Sacred Heart in Columbia Heights, but not enough to motivate me going there every Sunday. Honestly, the most sacred space I ever found was in Deep Creek Lake, in the snow, among the trees. I want to find a place like that, a Godswood in Silver Spring that I can visit for contemplation.

Total: 7

Goals I didn't even start
5) Be able to do pull-ups.
7) Get something published.
9) Play a significant part in a musical I love.
13) Volunteer for an organization that does good things, like Habitat for Humanity or a neighborhood cleanup.
14) Participate in a charitable walk/ run. 
16) Learn how to ride my bike without fear.
19) Go on an archaeological dig.
22) Create my family tree.
29) Stargaze in a place without light pollution.

Well, "didn't even start" is not accurate. I researched all of these. Some were not feasible in the time frame. Some were out of my control. Some were attempted multiple times, but the gods were not with me.

Total: 9

So all in all, I think I did pretty well! Many of these will move over to my 40x40 list. Many may just be unimportant to me now.

I am proud of myself for accomplishing so many goals that I never would have even attempted without this list.

Now, to catch you up from May...

I dramaturged two shows, Flying V Fights: Love is a Battle Field and Rorschach's She Kills Monsters. Both were fantastic in their own ways. Flying V Fights had a massive range of topics to research from gay MMA fighters to Buster Keaton. It was a tour-de-force and every actor got to showcase what made them special. SKM had more focused research: Dungeons and Dragons and the 1990s. SKM ended up being very special for me, a project close to my heart. I loved to watch it change and develop over time and watch the actors and director sculpt the play into something powerful and heartfelt.

I got a new job. I left CUAdrama which had been my home for 10+ years to venture into a new world of librarianship and public schools. I had a very hard time at the beginning. Everything was new and my anxiety was in full swing. However, I believe it is getting better. I am building relationships and a reputation for being a good librarian. I had a Dean whom I have never really talked to stop me in the hallway today to say what I great job I was doing with the library. I hope that it continues in this way and that my anxiety doesn't return to scuttle me.

I went to the ALA Conference in Las Vegas with Lee. I learned a lot and got to experience that crazy Adult Epcot Center of a city.

I took my comps. That was an ordeal. I got them in just under the wire, and passed, thank goodness.

I saw two baseball games: one with Lee's family at the Ironbirds stadium with crabs and the other with my family at the Os stadium as they played the Yankees. Both were fantastic and fun!

I started seeing someone for my anxiety. We will see how that goes.

I also took a rapier and dagger class which had some amazingly exhilarating moments. The blood pumps and you get into the flow and everything is executed perfectly and you feel so amazing! I am so thankful I have the money now to continue to pursue stage combat. It makes me so happy.

And finally, to catch you up to last week, I participated in the most fun Klecksography I have ever done. The theme was movie monsters. Frankenstein's Monster, the Invisible Man, a Werewolf, the Mummy, Dracula and the Creature from the Black Lagoon all sat around a campfire and told stories of what scared them. I was in a really fun piece about the Mummy. I played the archaeologist who came to dig him up. They flirt and talk for a while, but it turns out she is the reincarnation of his wife whom he killed, and he ends up killing her in an amazing overhead lift choke hold! It was one of my favorite moments on stage ever. The rest of the plays were wonderful, and the group of artists working on the piece were talented and genuinely lovely.

And now I am 30 and I like it.

I feel more confidant and more solid.

I know what I want, and I know how to get it, and if I cannot get it, that is ok.

I was asked by Melissa a few weeks ago what I would do with my life if I had all the money in the world. I told her I would build a castle with an armory and a library where all children and young adults and adults who still loved those stories could come and read. I would have a Fokker bi-plane and fly it everywhere. I would fight with swords and ride horses and play my violin.

And I realized I am pretty close to having some version of that. I am learning to fight with swords. I have flown a plane. I run a library. I can play some violin. I live near a horse farm. Lee and I have talked about saving for a house.

Regardless of what happens in the future, I have the potential to live some version of a dream I thought was unattainable when I wrote it as a mock obituary several years ago.

Soon, I will marry the love of my life. I have rediscovered my passion and need for theatre now that I work full time in a library. I am excited about the world and what I can accomplish.

Life is good.

P.S. Here is me in my Halloween costume as Alanna, a character who had a huge influence on me growing up. Full circle.

30x30: Fly an Airplane

Well, I flew an airplane! My parent's got me the lesson and flight for Christmas, and my daddy and I went this past Sunday. This was one of the items I thought would be one of the hardest to accomplish without a lot of training. It turns out, flying a plane is like driving a really old and stubborn car that travels up and down as well as forwards and backwards. I felt like I was in our old 90s Tempo again.

We had no ground class, and went straight out to the plane. We went through the pre-flight check, which is really complicated. The inside dashboard looked like a mix of organ parts and dials with many knobs and old school switches and buttons. Our instructor kept in contact with the tower, and they gave her the number designation for our plane so that they could keep track of us. I learned how to steer with my feet, using the floor petals to control the plane on the ground. It almost felt like a bicycle, leaning one way and then the other to get the plane to move in a straight line. Then we taxied down the run way, I pushed the throttle all the way in, and when we got up to 60 mph, I lifted us off the ground. It was incredible!

I was wobbly at first, trying to wrap my head around what I was doing and how high I was and that I was flying a plane. Once I got used to it, though, it was like driving a car. Granted a car that tilted when you turned, but still a car. It felt like the plane wanted to be in the air. I did have a harder time steering than I expected because, unlike a car, you don't have to fight wind currents to get the flaps on your wings to move.

 

Unfortunately, I got airsick, and so I didn't get to fly home or land for fear of throwing up, but I did it! I flew a plane!

I think I liked the hot air balloon better, because it was peaceful and I didn't have to steer, and you really got the sense of flying like a bird might fly. The closed cockpit in the plane gave you a certain detachment from it all. Perhaps when I have more money and a car, I will attempt to fly a WWI plane with an open cockpit. A Fokker bi-plane or maybe a Sopwith Camel!

But I have flown a plane, and experienced what many of my heroes have experienced, like Beryl Markham and Amelia Earhardt.

And Young Indiana Jones, Charles Nungesser, Raoul Lufbery, Anthony Fokker, Baron Von Richthofen, and Snoopy.

This is the whole reason why I wanted to do this in the first place: Young Indiana Jones and the Attack of the Hawkmen. Talk about access points for history.

30x30: Scary Dance Class

Bet you thought I had forgotten about my 30x30, huh?

I have now completed #6: Take a dance class in something that scares me, like jazz or contemporary. I took a dance class in the scariest of all scary dances: hip hop.

I was petrified on the first day, but it turned out that the class was only really two scared white girls with no swag like me. We lost our original teacher after the first day (he moved to Vegas) and we got a wonderful teacher named Christina who was really skilled and patient with us. It was amazing having my friend Mel with me. It kept us light and not to much in our heads.

Hip hop is the exact opposite of how my body moves. It is grounded and dirty, where as my training in ballet makes me aerial and precise. I had to force myself to make it less than perfect, make it my own, have a strong base. It was like the earthbending of dance. It was only an hour a week for 6 weeks, and I felt I was just getting the hang of it as we ended.

I think it would be good for me to continue in some fashion to get that kind of grounded and strong movement into my body. I often come across as indecisive or flighty with my movements. When I engage my core and plant myself, I feel more confidant and powerful. Hip hop might help me get there.

Alas, funding is always an issue, and I need that money to move onto my next class for 30x30. Martial arts.

Here is an example of what I wish I could do but is too advanced for me. It also kinda exemplifies what I am talking about with Ballet vs. Hip Hop.

My Grammy

Well, my Grammy died. She died on a Tuesday morning. We had moved her into a nursing home, after a valiant effort by my grandfather, my mother and my aunt to help take shifts with her and care for her every day. It broke my heart to think of her and Grandpa being separated. Imagine being with someone for 75 years, and then not being with them. She was confused and sad that she couldn't go home again. It made me ponder old age, and how, after a while, we loose little bits of ourselves. You move from your house to a senior community, a senior community to a single room in a nursing home. You lose control over your body, and start to lose your memory and ability to communicate. It is scary. But even though all these things were being taken away from her, her heart still shined brightly. Even though all the trappings were stripped away, Grammy was still her kind, loving, beautiful self.

She came down with pnumonia and the flu at the same time. I had been alerted earlier in the day, but then received a note that she was getting better. Late that night, a text woke me up in bed that things were dicey, and that I should pray. I fell asleep with my phone in my bed, with "She should have died hereafter. There would have been time for such a word" in my head. It was the first time those words made sense to me. It was not a brush off of her life, but a plea for more time. He is so busy with the battle preparations and being king that he didn't pay attention. He didn't take time with her. I was planning on visiting her as soon as the show was over, but it was too late now.  I woke up and got ready for work and saw that I had missed a call around 6. I called my family back and learned that she had died. It was a short phone call and I had to get to work, so I didn't really get a chance to deal with it. I broke out in spontaneous crying here and there throughout the day. Tori got me coffee, and Bobby gave me a Reeses cup, after which I promptly burst into tears at the gesture. Every time I ate one, he would put another on the desk in the exact same spot.

That night I called my mom to see how she was and what happened. It was more than I could have hoped for for Grammy's passing. She was on life support. The doctors told my mom that it would be kinder to let her pass, as she was in pain. They made phone calls and got the family all together, all 6 of her children and Grandpa. My aunt Sarah had to drive to my other aunt's house to bang on the door at 2am, but they all got there. They said their goodbyes and my uncle John spoke to her on the phone. My Grandpa said the rosary with her one last time. They had vowed to do it every day together in their wedding vows, and they did.

They took off the apparatus, and Grammy hung on for a long time before breathing her last. My mom and dad said they marveled at how much death was like birth. It is a struggle, and you go from a place that is safe and warm and familiar to a new place you know nothing about.

The family finished up with the doctors and then walked out into a beautiful sunrise. My mom said it was a bit more orange than Grammy would have liked, but there was some lovely pink to it too.

I took two days off of work because I knew I needed to devote all my resources to being with and helping my family. The wake was strange and exhausting. Moments of being ok, and then moments of bursting into tears. Hundreds of people came, more than I expected. It was wonderful that Grammy had such a loving turn out. She looked odd in the casket. Beautiful, but not herself. I kept looking at her hands, her beautiful hands that I could still feel on mine. At first I couldn't go up to her. But then when I went up, I couldn't leave. I had to keep standing with her and talking to her. Maybe because I didn't do it as much as I should have when she was alive. I sat with Grandpa for a little bit which was really nice. He was more active than I have seen him in a while, talking and laughing with people, but he kept checking on her. They played a slideshow of pictures of her, and at the end we saw an amazing video of their wedding: silent and just a little hint of colorization. Grammy going from the house to the car, the car to the church, an inside shot of the church that was so dark you couldn't see anything, and then them both coming out of the church together. It was beautiful and they both looked so happy.

After the wake, the cousins went out to Unos, the only place open that late in Columbia, and had drinks and bar food. We caught up and talked about Grammy and how we felt and it was really nice. It was odd because the lights had been flickering occasionally at the wake, and the flicker accompanied us to the bar, and flickered even more when we were talking about her. It was nice to think it was her with us.

The funeral was the next morning. Lee came and stood with me the whole time, and was an amazing pillar of support. Grammy was carried in by the pall bearers, all my uncles, and cousins and my father and brother. I can't even imagine what that feels like. To be carrying her. They set her up off to one side, and I couldn't help thinking that that was kind of how it was at family gatherings. Grammy, off to one side by herself, or with grandpa, sitting and smiling while the family whirled and talked around her. I couldn't watch the lid open. It was too weird. It would have made it very plain that she was in a box, and I couldn't deal with that.

My family went up and said goodbye. Lee came up and stood with me, even though it was very strange for him to see the body. I had my rosary with me, and she was holding hers, so I clinked our rosaries like they were glasses. Then I made the sign of the cross on her head, like we always did to each other when we were saying goodbye.

The funeral was lovely. The reading was about the perfect wife from proverbs. The priest spoke about her life of service in the hope of reward in the life to come. My aunt Leenie gave us her life story, which I appreciated so much since there was so much I never knew about her. She was kind and giving and lively and strong. She sang and she wrestled with her faith, and fought for what she believed in. She loved our Grandfather deeply.  Katie, my cousin, in her grandchildren's eulogy described it best. Our grandmother was an immigrant from another time: a more refined, more polite time, in the best sense.  I have regretted that we were not closer to Grammy and Grandpa. Perhaps it was because when we went up to Pennsylvania on holidays to visit them, there were so many cousins around that we never sat and talked with them. As I got older, I grew to appreciate more and more their presence in our lives, but my life would always sweep me away.

We had a small reception after the service, and then we caravanned out to the cemetery. It was the friendliest old hodgepodgey cemetery I had ever seen. Lots of monoliths and large tombs and statues scattered over a rolling hillside, like how I imagine the cemetery in The Graveyard Book looking. It was good to know that Grammy would be in a friendly cemetery. The service at the site was abrupt and too short. We arrived and then we were done. It was weird to give her such short shrift when we were about to put her in the ground, that very final, very concrete act.  But we lingered and gave her roses, and took roses for ourselves and then said goodbye one more time. I told my mom we should picnic there when it was spring.

Then we got into our cars and drove to my parents house for the after party. It was odd because Grammy wasn't there but it was too crowded to really feel the hole yet. Easter or Mother's Day will hurt. The cousins moved downstairs away from the noise, and found that our place was taken by two 8 year old boys, our second cousins, who were going through all our old stuff. It was a shock to realize that we weren't the kids anymore.

Daddy drove me home, and that was that. I am drying Grammy's rose in my closet, and whenever I think of her, she is smiling in a pink and gold glow. In her honor, I am doing my best to pray more often, to be more polite to people as a sign of how much I value them, to be of service.

I hope that she stays with me always.

New Year's Post, Part III: Looking Forward to 2014

My word for 2014 is Centered.

I find myself spinning with anxiety so much that it really effects who I am and those around me. It keeps me from being my best self. But if I am centered, I can picture myself as the calm eye in the center of the tornado, breathing, and detaching from it.

If I lived my word everyday, I would:

Not freak out so much.

I would have a balance between work and play, need and want, body and mind.

I would choose projects, friends, activities carefully.

I would equitably divide my passion fruit. 

I would stay healthy with a strong core.

I would have a clear mind.

I would not spin out of orbit.

To do this, I will:

Fix my morning routine to have more meditation and less internet.

Call my parents more.

Visit my grandparents.

Make more friend dates.

More walks in the woods.

More exercise.

Finding time to read.

Breathe.

Cut down on excess (food, spending, distractions).

Write more.

Pray more.

Communicate more clearly.

Do a SARK workbook.

At the end of the year, I will have:

Head

New job in a library

Written something that has been published

Have saved $10,000

Have completed the 30x30

Leave CUA having contributed something significant (handbooks, files, archives, library)

Heart

Grown deeper in my relationship with Lee

Reintegrated myself with my family, especially with Grammy and Grandpa

Cultivated new friendships that give me guidance and nourishment.

Physical World

Reading lamp

Regular exercise regimen.

Dance and martial arts classes

Shoes that don't hurt my feet.

Soul

Pray and meditate regularly

Find a Godswood

Find ways to make normal moments luxurious, relish simple things, make the ordinary special.

My 2014 First Aid Kit:
Narnia, Holding Lee's hand, singing, bath bombs, the woods, Up, Pitch Perfect, journaling, reading a good book, cleaning, decorating, organizing, making lists, massage, dates with friends, morning bacon, el taco noche, chocolate milk, mint tea, accomplishing something, music bath, running on a treadmill, breathing, engaging my core, chakra meditation, Avatar: the Last Airbender.

2014 will be the year I finally: graduate, complete 30x30, find a library job.

I will nourish myself with: friends, songs, quiet time.

I will make more time for: reading, being with people, praying, exploring the woods.

I will recharge my batteries by: holding Lee's hand, reading, writing, hiking, praying.

I will open my heart to: God, new friends, those who need my help, those whose help I need.

I will bring more space into my days by: weeding out the unnecessary things, waking up earlier.

I will release my attachment to: worry, business, tv, internet.

I will feel: whole, at peace, centered.

This year I will say NO to: anxiety, fear, projects that do not serve me in some way.

This year I will say YES to: uncertainty, openness, God, intimate moments, silence, aloneness.

My secret wish: To cook and eat good, simple food, pray, love my family and friends, and my man, take good walks, share fellowship, create things I am proud of.

New Year's Blog Post, Part II: Looking Back at 2013

This year, I did the workbook from Sarah Conway called Unraveling the Year Ahead: 2014. It was a rather different experience than last time. 2012 was full of tiny, surprising achievements and experiences, and I vowed to live more deeply and take more risks. This year was full of several really big changes and achievements, but often I felt I had not accomplished the goals I had set last year.

My word last year was Deep:
While I didn't fulfill this word as well as I wanted, deep was a touchstone in the chaos. I wrote more about pruning and simple things. I tried to connect more with people, and I think I really learned how to listen. I changed my morning routine to focus on reading, exercise and meditation, which has helped me immensely. I went to the park one day and blew bubbles with Lee.

In 2013, I embraced:
Projects and achievements. Saying "yes" to things that mattered, even if they were hard or scary.

In 2013, I let go of:
The need to do everything I want, even if it means compromising my sanity (ex. NaNoWriMo).

In 2013, I changed:
1) I had more follow through.
2) All the projects I chose had special meaning for me and helped me grow.
3) I got engaged to the love of my life.
4) I made more of an effort to reach out to friends.
5) Caitlin moved away.

In 2013, I discovered:
1) Feelings are not facts. I need to feel them, examine them, often reboot, and then move forward.
2) I am capable of a lot more than I thought.
3) I am worth friendships. That I can initiate them and invite people to play without fear. That I can branch out.

In 2013, I am grateful for:
1) My quiet mornings.
2) Lee as my constant port in a storm, and my partnership in adventure.
3) Bobby and Tori: my clowns, my teachers, and my sounding boards.
4) The summer mind/body balance of John Blade and Neverwhere.
5) The family of Pirates.
6) Lee coming with me to Seder, Dream Play, Christmas, and the Alice in Wonderland Ballet.
7) The gift of Glassheart.
8) Winning the Keystone Award.
9) Mel.
10) A whole-feeling Christmas.

In 2013, fear held me back when:
1) I had interactions at work that inflamed my anxiety and paralyzed me.
2) My fear of losing a friend.
3) My fear of not being good at something right away.
4) My impostor syndrome.
5) My fear of disappointing those I love.
6) My fear of having no money.
7) My fear of conflict.
8) My fear of the unknown.

In 2013, I practiced bravery:
1) Pirates, pushing past fear in rehearsals.
2) John Blade, digging in and concentrating and kicking ass!
3) Neverwhere, letting go of the fear of disappointing people and making strong choices.
4) On the Verge scene in front of Eleanor and my students.
5) Constructing the Father Hartke exhibit for the 75th Anniversary.
6) Meeting Neil Gaiman
7) Homeless outreach with Dad.
8) Going to the Kate Nash concert.
9) Traveling to Boston alone.

In 2013 I was surprised by:
1) Pope Francis and the pockets of liberal church that exist.
2) How important my core is.
3) That I accomplished 30x30 items and have 2 more in progress.
4) That I don't have to break the bank on Christmas, and it will still be Christmas.

My Achievements in 2013:
1) Neverwhere
2) John Blade
3) Pirates
4) My adventure weekend.
5) My Keystone Award

What did you do to make it happen:
1) I focused.
2) I breathed.
3) I took risks.
4) I accepted my mistakes and learned from them.
5) I kept moving forward.
6) I practiced.
7) I asked for help when I needed it.
8) I took time to work on it.
9) I bullheadedly went forward and did it, despite fears, impracticalities and limitations.
10) I invested in relationships.

Who supported you in your Achievements?
Lee, Caitlin, Mel, Matt Pauli, Robb Hunter, Lex Davis, Catherine Tripp, Bobby and Tori, Me. God.

From my Achievements, I learned:
1) There is a lot of ME in me. I have many facets and talents I can flex.
2) That I can use that old Reichelt stubbornness to my advantage.
3) That fulfilling projects are the only projects worth giving energy to.
4) That no matter how much I freak out, it will probably be ok.
5) That I have more people in my corner than I realized.

My Challenges in 2013:
1) Lack of Money
2) Lack of Time
3) My spinning ball of anxiety.

How did you deal with the challenges?
1) I budgeted realistically and stuck to it some of the time.
2) I made sure to schedule chill time in advance and use check lists.
3) I breathed, I sang, I wrote about it, I exercised, I distracted myself, I found small steps.

Did you discover any new tools or allies to help?
1) Nothing really new. Just a reminder to do the above and not spin forever.
2) Keep developing my relationships with people.

What have I learned:
1) I am one step closer to fixing the above challenges, but I am not there yet. I need to continue to build on what I have done so far.
2) I need to remember to pray and give some of the things I can't control to God.

My favorite day of 2013:
1) The moment I got engaged to Lee and the feeling that sunk in days later that I had a partner. A co-adventurer. I didn't have to go it alone because we would do it together.
2) This past Christmas where we took the time to make sure it was whole. Decorations, good presents, time with, praying, starry night, singing carols, fire in the TV, good movies, paying attention to Grammy.
3) Standing by the silent frozen lake this vacation. I felt quiet, still, at peace, grateful, insignificant in the vastness, yet the only one in the world. Everything else just fell away and it was just me. Standing in the woods, in my cathedral of trees, smelling intense, and feeling whole. Like God was right there.

What need to be forgiven:
My spiraling anxiety.

The gifts of 2013:
1) My ability to follow through.
2) My stubbornness
3) New friends.
4) Changes like tectonic plates shifting. The end of an era. The ability to look back with thankfulness and look forward with hope and excitement.
5) Recognition.
6) Having adventures with family.
7) Our engagement.
8) Finding a church that feels close to home.
9) The generosity of others.
10) Working on many projects I feel passionate about and getting reacquainted with my body.

Three words that describe 2013: Change. Growth. Partnership.

The title of 2013 if it was a book or album: To everything there is a season.

This was a year of pushing forward, of risking, of achieving big things, and of change. Lots of change. Some for the good, some that hurt, but eventually will be good.

New Year's Blog Post, Part I: The Vacation

Here are my belated New Years postings! It is very difficult to start a fresh, new, clean-slate, resolution-filled new year when you are smack dab in the middle of rehearsing a play. No time for breathing, no time for real reflection, no time for giving thanks.

Lee and I went up to Deep Creek like last year. We had been looking forward our magical fairy tale retreat for months where we could just be. No schedules, no responsibilities, no nothing except what we felt like doing. Then, an incredible gift landed in our laps: the chance to work on a show together, and not just any show, but an adaptation of Beauty and the Beast. However, this meant that our idyllic vacation was not as care-free as we hoped. We had started rehearsal mid December, and we had off for Christmas and our vacation. However, that meant I had to have all my lines memorized by the time we returned. With the director with me on vacation, I felt double pressure. The dread of work hanging over me clouded the relaxing I was trying to do. I couldn't recapture that beautiful zone of stillness that permeated vacation last time.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Day 1 of vacation started off with a family funeral. Lee's mom's best friend had died after a long battle with cancer. We went to be with them. It was my first real Jewish service of any kind and it was very different than I expected. More like a family prayer service, with a friend officiant than a mass. Prayers were said, people spoke. It was full, and sad, and sacred.

We went to a very cheesy and fun old movie themed diner in Towson for lunch, stopped back home to get something we forgot, and then were on the road again. We finally, one year after starting the book, finished the A Fault in Our Stars audiobook and cried.

It was a beautiful sunny drive up to Deep Creek, unlike last time which was full of ice and snow. We got rather expensive groceries from the store, and drove to our lovely house, which was only 100 feet from our little Whitetail cabin we loved last year. We shook our fists at the people who took our place. Lost Bearadise was nice, though! It was lit up and decorated for Christmas when we pulled up in the dark. Garlands, lights and a Christmas tree. It was a lot bigger than the Whitetail, with a basement and extra bedrooms. While the space was nice, I loved the forced proximity last year. We were never more than a room away from each other.

We unpacked and I tried to practice my violin (I had started violin lessons as part of my 30x30 a week before), but the pegs kept slipping and it wouldn't stay in tune. I became very frustrated because in addition to memorizing, I was supposed to practice at least 15 min a day.

After I gave up, we made a fire in the fire place on our first try (we are now the fire experts!), and Lee made tacos, and we watched Hogfather in honor of Christmas. I then memorized two scenes and Lee quizzed me (thank god for him). We then played Discworld, a new game, and probably the hardest game we had ever played. It was like Lords of Waterdeep, Flux and Smash Up all in one, and it was very frustrating.

I was upset after that. After a difficult violin lesson the day before, I felt like I was a beginner at everything. I am not good at making mistakes, even when I know I am just learning and I am not supposed to be an expert yet. That, and the pressure of memorizing keeping me semi-on alert and not able to relax made it a frustrating beginning to our vacation. I read Out Of the Easy before I went to bed, though, and it was a very good book.

Day two, I woke up feeling a bit better and showered. Lee made bacon, eggs and biscuits and we finished Hogfather. I did my accounts, which did not equal my bank balance and that stressed me out a little. I had less money than I thought. I sat out on the porch for a bit in the cold sunlight which was lovely. I began to make an art of blind photo taking, because the glare on my phone screen  was proving difficult.

I took a walk with Lee, retracing my steps from my beautiful, quiet snow walk from last time and discovered a new view of the lake together. We came back, and I fixed tea, celery, cheese and chips and journaled for a little while. We then dipped into the hot tub and watched Goodfellas for a little while. While Lee cooked dinner, I practiced violin and got at least two of the pegs to stick in tune.

Dinner was steak, potatoes and carrots with wine and Murder on the Orient Express with a desert of strawberries dipped in chocolate.

I memorized one scene for an hour and 15 minutes and then Lee quizzed me. I tried to keep my freakout to a minimum, but I still freaked out. It didn't feel like a vacation because I was always worrying about the next thing. I felt like Lee was on this relaxing, romantic vacation and I couldn't join him.

Day 3, I woke up and ate breakfast while reading, and then sat out on the porch and watched the rain. Outside started to smell like skunk so I came back in.

We went to Firefly farms and got cheese and spicy peach jelly, and listened to songs as we drove home.

I went and took a bath with a pine-scented bath bomb, relaxing music and a nice book to try and get in a good place, but it felt like I was marinating in stress. I tried a face mask and journaling some more, but I was not in a good headspace, and I ended up crying for a while. I felt stressed, and then guilty I was stressed because I felt like I had payed $600 to go cry in the woods. Lee talked me off a ledge, though, and gave me permission not to memorize anymore until we got back from vacation, which helped a lot.

I watched him play video games for a bit to calm down, then we hot tubbed it with a glass of wine, and a crazy fire that would not stop smoking. We watched a bit of What a Girl Wants and then went to dinner at Dutch's at Silver Tree, which is like a super fancy American food restaurant. Like they have fried chicken, but the fanciest, best quality friend chicken you have ever seen. It was lovely. We came home and played Scrabble (thank you, Lee) and the Lords of Waterdeep expansion and then watched Ghostbusters til bedtime.

Day 4, I woke up, made breakfast, watched some TV and decided to go for a walk. The solo walk was such a gift last time, and so I wanted to have that feeling again: that kind of spiritual scrubdown. It was freezing and snowing, so I bundled up and set out to try to get close to the lake. After a little while, I saw the lake through the trees and stepped into a communal driveway to get a better view. A man who was emptying his trash asked if I was lost, and so I told him, I was just looking at the lake, since we didn't have view of it from our place. He generously allowed me to go through his back garden to see it up close!

It was like being in the Arctic. Like I was the only one for miles. The lake was pristine and frozen, with a foggy mountain in the distance and a rough sandy shoreline littered with driftwood and pockmarked with holes in the ice, and shards floating in the water like tectonic plates. Two old tree stumps had washed up on shore, and the one in the distance looked like a mammoth.

It was silent, clean, whole, like nothing could disturb it. My messy, spiraling angst was swallowed up in this vast, indifferent wilderness, like cacophony swallowed by one single pure note. I thanked God for such a beautiful gift, a touchstone for the year, like my snowy walk the year before.

As I walked back through the trees, I realized I never felt this peaceful anywhere else. I was almost to my house when I swear, I smelled incense burning, like at church. I stopped in my tracks and the trees rose around me like a cathedral. I wondered if the woods were my sacred home? I have been looking for one in my 30x30, but I always assumed I meant a church. What if it really was the silence of the woods. I am going to try to find a quiet place at home that I can visit regularly to try it out. A godswood, like in Game of Thrones. 

After that, I came home, finished journalling now that I was in a better place, and sat with Lee while he played videogames. We played one round of Discworld, and then wanted to go out. We decided on bowling, but stopped in the driveway and decided to go for a walk to the lake instead. I showed Lee my frozen wilderness and we stood there for a while, drinking it in.

After that, we played LOWD expansion, ordered pizza, I called my mommy to catch up, and then we ate pizza and watched My Neighbor Totoro. We then went into the hot tub and talked for a long time about the future, careers, theater, everything.

Day 5, we packed up and went home.

It was not the fairy tale of last time, but it had some really good moments of peace and connection. I have learned that I can never take work with me on a vacation, no matter what the circumstances. It will be a priority for me in the future. And I have a place that I can go back to when things get difficult: the frozen lake in the middle of the woods.