The Girl I Mean to Be

I have been struggling a little. I don't know what my life path is. I am getting so discouraged with the job hunt. So many things seem partially interesting, but do not pay, while others need so much that I do not have. Or have elements I do not want.

I want to be in a place where I can build a home and help a community. I want to have routine and innovation. I want to have adventures and fight and have a family.

I worry that I can't have all of that. Or I worry that there are so many ways I can have some of that, but I will not have any of it because I do not decide.

I am a Megan. I want to be a professional Megan. Books, fighting, helping, loving, pretending, adventuring, telling stories.

Mitch

Mitch died yesterday. He was 35. He was supposed to get married this weekend. He felt heartburn last night and threw up. He woke up and texted his friends something funny at 5am. Then, Sara found him cold at 7:30 when she went to kiss him good bye on her way to work.

Dad called me while I was at work and I thought it was a joke. Diane had apparently asked him to tell us. She didn't know how to tell Lee. Which meant that I needed to tell Lee. He couldn't hear it from my dad. I called Lee and told him and he immediately got off the phone to call Diane. I told work I was leaving and took an Uber home. Lee and I saw each other and cried and held each other. Then we took the drive down to Baltimore to Mitch's apartment. The ME was there, which meant Mitch was still there, which was surreal. We were kept in a model apartment with no door on the bathroom, as the police and the ME worked. Then we moved back to the place where Lee's Mom and Dad were staying until they could move into their house in Delaware. And mostly we sat. And cried. And sat. And waited for information from the funeral home. Mom and dad were there for a little. We tried to make ourselves useful by printing things.

Lee and I went home after that and ate pizza and watched episode after episode of Eureka. Until about midnight. We were both so tired, but neither of us wanted to go to sleep because of how Mitch died. We got a few hours of sleep, then watched Eureka and waited again for the arrangements. We traveled to the funeral home to get papers signed. I am very glad we weren't having the service there because it was very strange. The theme seemed to be black and gold, but it had funky shiny hard floors, and mismatched art. On the floor in one of the offices was a large, framed stock family photo from the 1980s with a family and grandparents posing awkwardly. I kept sitting and noticing the strange snake skin like carpet. The cracked moth painting. The jewelry display bust. The fake photo album.

We got the paperwork signed and then headed to Harolyn's again. We helped them get ready, then the families, the wedding party, and the rabbi showed up. We shared stories about Mitch, and it was really cathartic and nice. The rabbi wrote it all down. Then the two families started clashing about shiva logistics. Sara and Lee tried to smooth it out and make it work for everyone. It was a really hard situation. All the while I was trying to be a conduit of information to our friends while trying not to bother anyone.

And now I am home. Lee is at a meeting.

It is a really hard thing. May is my month of compassion, and on the very first day, I have to use it to the very dregs. Patience and support. All while all of our hearts are breaking. I never thought a broken heart would actually hurt. But it does.

The first day, our hearts were heavy, but our extremities were all tingly and we were lightheaded and weak. Day two is like our hearts are dark and heavy, but there are a thousand lacerations in them that ache whenever we move.

Even the smallest things. The wedding gift bags on the dining room table. Wedding invitations on the fridges. Childhood photos. Seemingly innocuous songs from Hamilton. Moments in Eureka episodes. I saw an advertisement for North Carolina on a truck, and thought "Well I am glad it was not Maine." That is where they were going on their honeymoon. Then a truck advertising Maine goes by in the opposite direction.

I think about Sara. Waking up and finding him cold. Wondering if she could have done more. Having all the energy and everything ready for the wedding, and then having to slowly unravel it all. I keep thinking, what if it had been me. We both married a Liebeskind brother.

I used to have nightmares about waking up and finding him dead. Especially as we got close to the wedding. And it didn't happen. But I always leave the house with "I love you" as the last thing I say to him just in case. And here it happened.

I keep thinking of Diane and Al. Mitch was always the one who took the most care of them. Birthdays, holidays. He always had something for them. I didn't want to presume, if Lee didn't do things himself. Now we are the only ones left. The only ones left to take care of them and call them on their birthdays. The only ones left to give them grandchildren, but not Jewish grandchildren. As a Catholic mother, I am unable to do that. We have to be everything for them now. To try and fill a hole that can never be filled.

I keep getting the vision that the universe is different now. Something that was supposed to be here isn't. It left this giant gaping space where a life was supposed to be. A future. A family. And that path is now cut off. No Uncle Mitch.

Lee had the thought that, when we have kids, the child will have a name beginning with M, because that is part of the tradition. And that child will never know Mitch. He or she will have Uncle Brian and Aunt Jen, but they live far away. Part of me wants to get pregnant right now before anything else happens.

It also makes you want to experience life a little more. Not more stuff, but to pay attention. Food tastes really good. We hold hands a lot and pay attention to the feel. You stand outside and notice the breeze and the sun. It is the "every, every minute" monologue in Our Town.

I kept seeing a bumblebee outside of Harolyn's house. It made me happy to think that it might have been Mitch. He was big and friendly and insistent like that. He was there on the day he died, and again today.

Tonight, I am trying to see friends. We have been doing a lot of taking care of others, and I think it will be important to be taken care of tonight. I hope we get to do that. We have several more days of funeral and shiva an our hearts breaking over and over. It is going to be a rough road. But we will do it together.

PS. Grieving makes you thirsty. We have gone through more water than I thought possible. It is very strange.

Fighting the Lady of the Green Kirtle

“One word, Ma'am," he said, coming back from the fire; limping, because of the pain. "One word. All you've been saying is quite right, I shouldn't wonder. I'm a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won't deny any of what you said. But there's one more thing to be said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things-trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's a small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say.” 

So, I am looking for new jobs. There have been a bagillion signs that I should not be at my school:

1) I wake up with a feeling of dread every morning, not excited to go.
2) I get panic attacks in school.
3) When I got the job I felt wary about it.
4) The key lanyard feels like a yoke when I wear it.
5) I have talked to Ms. Ball and Ms. Brown and they both said their mental health is so much better now that they have left the school.
6) My aunt says this job is killing me.
7) I go home and drink and watch TV, and that is all I have the energy to do.
8) I don't want to go to sleep because it means I will have to go to work in the morning.

There are many things I do not like about the school:
1) I do not want to be an authority figure.
2) I hate standing in front of a group of people who are cruel, rude, and disrespectful while I am trying to help them.
3) I do not like the district and how they try to make quick fixes without giving people time to implement them.
4) I do not like standardized testing. It is antiquated and ineffective. It causes me pain to train students in it.
5) I do not like that everyone I talk to is unhappy.
6) I do not like how there are no consequences for the students' actions.
7) I do not like how we claim to be a restorative practices school, but we never go beyond superficial class circles. The administration does not use restorative speech when working with the teachers, and it does not model it with the students.
8) I do not like how everyone is so afraid.
9) I do not like how we only do things for show, not for substance.
10) It is equal parts too big and too small.
11) I hate that I am surrounded by hundreds of people and I can't stand it, and yet am so lonely.
12) I hate that I feel that the school is getting worse each year.
13) I hate that I feel myself growing more and more bitter each year.

Things I want in a new job:
1) A boss that works with me, rather than at me, or for me. Will present me with the problem so we can work it out together, rather than a solution without knowing all the factors.
2) A small team of close knit people who each have a special skill, who can work independently but then come together to create something amazing (The Avengers).
3) An office with a door.
4) The ability to work on projects independently and privately, with the boss available for feedback and questions if necessary.
5) A job that keeps me close to libraries and higher education.
6) A job that lets me help people and give them what they need.
7) A job that has flexibility regarding the schedule OR has a fixed M-F schedule.
8) A job that is relatively low stress so I can have energy after work.
9) A job that has nature nearby.
10) The ability to go to the bathroom when I need to.
11) The ability to have snacks when I need to.
12) A job that has a good salary.
13) A job that helps the world.
14) A job that lets me save my energy for my own children.
15) A place where I have my own space that I can decorate.
16) A place where I can be myself.

However, I feel like I am in an abusive relationship with this job. I have terrible days and I am going to leave. And then there is one good day, and "Maybe it is not so bad." I have my boys. I get to plan cool things. I get to change children's lives. I get to have a territory that is mine. The wolf in me loves that. But it is also a public space, so it is not mine.

Yesterday, I had a day long panic attack. Today, I canceled everything except my class and was fine. my boss wants to have a meeting with me next week, I bet about me saying I might leave. I don't want her to convince me that I should stay. I worry that I am weak-minded enough that it might work.

I want to talk to my therapist about it before we meet. I have an appointment with her in two weeks, so maybe I can put off my boss until then. But then it would be after the intent to return submit deadline which makes it doubly sure I would not be back.

But there is a corner of my brain that says, "but what if..." What if I can't find a job? What if I make a terrible mistake and I was meant to be here and help people.

But I never want to be Mr. Holland. Mom does. I want to have my Opus. Or at least have a job where I can have my own children be my Opus.

Lee and I agreed that we want to make sure we have taken care of our own happiness before we have kids so they can grow up in a household not wracked with mental illness. Or at least as much as our house is now.

I should leave. I want to leave. I want to have a new adventure. I want to be myself again. I want to find a community and job I can be proud of that lets me grow and advance.

I will miss my boys. I will miss working with YA stuff. But I will not miss pretty much everything else.
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I just had a Tarot reading with Rodriguez. I asked if I leave, will I find my purpose. The first card was the Fool. That is where I am. I mind my own business and close my eyes to everything going on around me. Willful ignorance. The next was a sword card. It meant I needed to get out, but finances were holding me back. I had the King of Swords which was a male figure helping me to leave. We figured that was Lee. We made a pact that the next step was to be happy, and that we would support each other. He said I was conflicted right now because of the Hermaphrodite and that I needed to buck conventional norms in my path. To follow my intuition.  There was also the Tower, which meant strife. Specifically because of a lack of belief, or lack of getting my ducks in a row. He said I needed to only apply for jobs I really wanted. And he said the final card was a sword card that there would be trials, potentially money and marital ones, particularly if I didn't focus and prioritize.

So basically, I have been keeping myself blinded and foolish by staying in this job. I need to get out and it is ok if that path turns out to be not a conventional path. Lee would help me. I should follow my intuition and only apply for jobs that I am interested in. This will not be easy. I need to prioritize and focus so that I can find who I am.

He said this was a big year, spiritually, and that part of my numerology says I was lazy in a previous life, so I am karmically paying for it now. That I need to get off my ass if I am going to fix my life and everything.

I really do love that the universe keeps sending me signs like this. Like I will open a page of a book, and it says something like "You need to get out and be free." Or I'll listen to a podcast or a book on tape and it will lead me.

I started The Silver Chair, and moments in it matched up with moments in my day. Jill making things harder for herself because of the mistake she made. Aslan and the signs that you should repeat to keep you on your path. The green lady who fogs your brain and makes you think of creature comforts, rather than the solid, worthy, difficult path.

Action items:

I think I will make my meeting with Dr. Roane for after break, so that I can talk to my therapist and send in notice.

I will save my money so that I can have a bit of an easier time when we have smaller salaries.

I will only apply for jobs that I really want.

I will be ok with uncertainty.

I will keep working hard to get a job.

I will go to workshops and networking events.

I will believe.

I am going to live like a Narnian.

(The blessing of Aslan upon this honest marsh-wiggle.)