Looking Forward to 2017 (Belated)

My word for 2017: Core.

If I lived this word every day, I would know my values, live by them, and be able to articulate them clearly. I would find God in myself and others. I would have a muscular center. I would have a launch pad from which I can interact with the world. I would read and listen and learn and grow from this core.

I am embodying this word already by:
- Writing to help me articulate my feelings.
- Trying to listen to God more.
- Winnowing my reading materials to unbiased sources.
- Finding moments of quiet and contemplation.

I can bring more of my word into my world by:
- Finding more moments of stillness.
- Asking more questions.
- Being unafraid of being uncomfortable.
- Excersising every day.
- Reading and writing.

Words that support my word: Listening, Growth, Questioning, Silence.

What are you looking forward to in 2017:
- Mario
- Fights
- The chance to make a difference.
- Meeting new people.

What are you feeling apprehensive about:
- The World of Trump
- Those who choose not to use compassion and dehumanize "the other side."

What life lessons are you taking with you into 2017?:
- Make space for what you want to do.
- If it is important, keep at it, but listen to your body.
- Sit in silence. It will tell you what to do.

What area of your life do you most want to develop/ nurture?
- Strengthen my Body
- Widen my heart
- Sharpen my mind

In December 2017 where do you want to be...

In your Head (work, dreams, goals)
- Articulate why I believe what I do
- Calmer at work. Able to pause and reflect.
- A confidant, but humble fighter.
- A constant writer (once a week)

In your Heart (relationships, family, friends)
- Keep in contact with family once a month
- Friend date once a month
- Deepen relationship with Lee
- Do not let doors close on friendships I do not want to let go of.

In your Soul (believes, practices, self-love)
- Refocus on God and prayer
- Build in time for nothing.
- Build in safeguards and practices for anxiety
- Put $ and energy where mouth is.

In your physical world (home, health, hobbies)
- Save money
- Things that are useful or beautiful in home/ wardrobe.
- Exercise every day
- Yoga, meditation, open chakras
- Eat healthy, balanced meals
- Keep house clean

In 2017:
I would know what I think and why I think it. My brain would be full of meaty, useful things. I would write every day and have a strong stable core and endurence. I could move and flow and twist freely. I would have a simple, clean house. I would take walks and have space and time to breathe. I would eat simply and healthily. I would be economical. Lee and I would grow stronger and I would have deep wells of friendship with a few rather than shallow bonds with many. I would have mechanisms to control my anxiety.

Air

3 unhelpful beliefs about yourself that you are ready to release:

- I am too busy.

- My anxiety is gone.

- TV is the only thing to do.

3 duties or commitments you are ready to let go of:

- Extra library duties

- Extra theatre duties that don't serve me

- Friend duties that interfear.

3 skills you'd like to learn or improve:

- Situps/ Pull ups

- Forming an opinion

- Removing anxiety when needed

3 Books to read this year:

- Woman who runs with the wolves

- The Artists' Way

- Laughing with God

How could you bring more calm into your life this year?

- Meditate

- Make space for nothing

- Do one thing at a time well

- Write

- Find methods to remove anxiety when needed.

Water

3 things about yourself that you love:

- My tenacity

- My writing

- My journeying spirit

3 ways you could be kinder to your body this year:

- Take baths

- Breathe and move

- Strengthen core

How could you bring more love into your life this year:

- Therapy

- Reaching out t others

- Listening and asking questions

- Reading real stories

- Giving to those in need

Fire

3 interests or hobbies you'd like to explore:

- Archery

- Writing

- Reading

- Acting

3 ways you could feed your imagination this year:

- What ifs...

- Pretend games

- Explore more acting methods

3 Ways you could bring more passion into your world this year:

- Be with more.

- Dedication to exploring.

- Senses.

3 dreams you'd like to manifest:

- Recommended pass in single sword and sword and shield.

- Go to Virginia Beach Bash

- Write regularly

How could you bring more creative energy into your life:

- Read the Artist's way and do exercises

- Listen and observe

- Expand vocabulary

- Writing exercises

Earth

3 ways to bring more mindfulness into your mornings:

- Light a candle

- Meditate and pray

- Frame the day before I leave the house

- Mindful walking to coffee

3 ways to cherish your home this year:

- Live in it more

- Clear the clutter and clean it regularly

- Fill it with homey smells

- Sit in my chair.

3 Ways you could connect more deeply with nature:

- Take walks

- Eat outside when possible

- Meditate beneath trees

3 places you would like to explore:

- A good church or monastery

- A good yoga/ meditation place

- A good writing place

How could you bring a sense of groundedness:

- Big Boots

- Strong core

- Touch meditation

- Yoga

- God at the apex

Wrap Up

2017 will be the year I finally: Manage my anxiety and get a tattoo.

I will nourish myself with: writing and prayer.

I will make more time for: silence and listening.

I will recharge my batteries by: walking in the woods and reading.

I will open my heart to: those I see as my enemy, those who are vulnerable, to being wrong.

I will pay more attention to: why I believe what I do and what is good in the other side, to those who need my help, to when I am just killing time. 

I will learn more about: the world, the issues, and how to concretely help; skills to make myself better, more deliberate, more thoughtful.

I will release my attachment to: exterior benchmarks, being right.

I wish for my 2017 to feel: hopeful, full of growth, steady, brave.

This year I will say no to: absolutes, time wasting.

This year I will say yes to: the third way, listening, critical thinking. 

My secret wish for 2017: I wish for the broken world to heal. 

Looking Backwards to 2016 (Belated)

I realize it is July. As soon as I got back, I went from one show to another and then here we are, the year almost over, and I never shared my journaling.  Here it goes.

My word last year was Flow. I started the year with the laberyinth and flowed with the motion of the path. I suceeded the most in flow with stage combat, writing, auditions, and friendship. I focused and tried not to get in my own way. I got recommended passes in both weapons. I wrote more, honestly and well. I opened and let things flow through me. In auditions, it worked particularly well, especially with Henry and Flying V. I worked, I was specific in the refining, and then I got out of it's way.

What did I embrace?
- My grit and determination. If I wanted something to happen, I made it happen.
- Purposeful days. Days filled with joy and delight.

What did I let go of?
- Being embarrassed to back out of commitments.
- The idea that my view is the right view.
- Forcing things with Lee.
- Shutting people out because of one disagreement.

What changed for me?
- I discovered I was bisexual.
- I ate healthy and cooked Blue Apron.
- I improved in my stage combat skills.
- I cut my hair.

What did I discover about myself?
-  I need to focus on humility and service.
- I need the morning launch time.
- I can't do everything all at once.

What am I the most grateful for?
- Theatre opportunities: Sweeney, coaching with Paul, knife, YPT, Source, LLL, Helen Hayes, Broadsword, Auditioning for Brother and Flying V Fights.
- Time with people: Jazz in the Sculpture Garden, Melting Pot, new friends, hiking, chilling.

When did fear hold me back?
- When I got overwhelmed at work.
- When Trump was elected and everything started happening.

When did I practice bravery?
- When I overloaded and did it anyway.
- When I didn't shy away from difficult conversations.
- Therapy.
- Cutting off my hair.

What surprised me?
- My anger.
- Our honeymoon odyssey.
- Loving broadsword.
- Getting better at acting.
- Being asked to fight for the Welders.

What made me smile?
- Quiet coffee shops where I can read.
- New friends: Danny and Jon Jon and Niusha.
- D and D
- Lee's Advent wreath gift.
- Werewolf Halloween

What conclusions did I reach?
- I have a lot to learn.
- Compromise where you can, and where you can't, don't.
- Make space to do what you want.
- I can get better at things if I make time to do so (fighting, writing, acting).


ACCOMPLISHMENTS
- Rec Pass in Knife and Broadsword
- Grandpa's Memoirs
- Talking to Lee about our challenges

What skills helped you make it happen?
- Didn't get in my own way. Told the story.
- Kept at it even when roadblocks came up.
- Open, honest, well-timed conversations, being with each other, and having common goals.

What have you learned about yourself?
- I am now a person who can do these things.
- I got to know my grandpa and self-published a book.
- We are building something together.

CHALLENGES
- Trump
- Anger
- School

How I deal with the challenges?
- Still dealing with it. Educate myself, build empathy and understanding, donate to my causes, stand up when I need to.
- Let it flow, talk it out, assume the best.
- Take breaks, breathe, don't hold on to useless things.

What have you learned about yourself?
- The world is not moving in the direction we thought.
- I am not "nice." I am more than that.
- I need time and space and I am fighting for it.

Favorite day of 2016:
The day Lee and I went on our Big Island Odyssey. We saw volcanoes, trudged on lava rock, saw petroglyphs, went to the cliffs at the edge of the world, faced our demons, saw where the gods fought, cried in the car, sat in silence, and then created a raw, new partnership, made promises, and journeyed together.

Gifts of 2016:
- sword fighting
- reading quietly in cafes
- labyrinth
- growth-filled projects
- dates with friends and family
- simple pleasures of hearth and home
- walking in the woods
- moments of prayer and meditation
- moments of breaking and healing
- centering, guiding dreams.
- mandated rest
- A Wind in the Door and other touchstones
- working with Grandpa
- Casey saying I was "Quickly becoming the best in the city."
- breaking past relationship barriers
- runes
- melting pot.

Describe 2016 in 3 words:
Break. Heal. Grow

If the Events of 2016 were made into a film or book, what would it be called:
The Life-Death Cycle.

Goodbye to:
- Excess
- Time fillers
- Over-scheduling
- Prejudice
- Fear and Ignorance
- Getting in my own way
- Ego.