"The moon makes me hungry for everything."
- Wolf, 10th Kingdom
Well it is my birthday, and what did the universe give me? Pneumonia. It is probably a blessing in disguise. I have not been taking care of myself, pushing my limits of what I can take. The problem is, I never know if I am pushing my actual limits or getting myself up off my ass to do things when I am being lazy. Its hard to distinguish. Turns out this time, I was pushing real real limits.
I started feeling off about 4 weeks ago when I got really out of breath at my fight test. Then, I got a cold. I thought it got better, but I ended with this lingering cough. I went hiking, I did the play late at night, I drank, I pushed myself at work, and then, I ended up with pneumonia and doctor enforced 5 days off of work. Lucky me, the doctor put it in writing, so I don't have to worry about if I am wimping out.
This means, however, that I am spending my birthday on day 4 of 5 days of rest in my house. I had to cancel birthday plans that I was really excited about at the Melting Pot. But seeing how discouraged that made me shows that I have built up a little community of people who I really care about. Pretty good for someone who was wondering a little bit ago if all her friends were leaving her. It is a really lonely day, though, watching TV and doing nothing.
I should be happy, I guess. A universe enforced rest. I am trying to use these two days to do all the things I have been meaning to do once I get a day of rest. Provided it doesn't make me huff and puff too much, of course. This journal is one of those things.
I thought I'd do another check in as the year is drawing to a close. Flow. I have been doing that really well with stage combat, and I have been tapping into it a little with reading. I haven't been doing as much writing as I wanted, but I certainly have been doing more than previous years. I think part of the issue is that I pack my time so tightly that there is no time to live. No time to breathe, or clean, or take space. Maybe "Space" will be my word for next year.
I also know I can't be in a state of flow while I am armored up. The armor comes when I am stressed and trying to press through. There is no real listening there.
Head...
I am not doing well at being financially responsible. I used our joint credit card for fun things when I shouldn't have and I now need to pay it off. I am hitting walls at work, just because I am to afraid to take the leap and try things. When I get back I will get on that. I am reading more. I did the 24 hour read-a-thon, and am reading every morning again, but I don't think I am back in the reading habit yet. I am definitely not in the balanced life of actor/ writer/ librarian yet. The librarian/ actor sides are dukeing it out for most consuming and poor writer self is left in the dust.
Heart...
I have transcribed Grandpa's stories, and all that needs to happen now is getting them finally compiled and published. I have been putting it on the back burner, though, and I feel bad. I need to talk to Mom and Dad more. I want to call them on the phone today, but talking on the phone seems exhausting at the moment. Too much breath. I have been trying to connect with my friends, though, more, which has been going really well. I am closer to Jon Jon, Niusha, and Danny, and kept up good relationships with Gwen and Jason. Mel and I don't really find time for each other, which is sad.
Soul....
I am definitely not finding time for myself and keeping it sacred, unless you count this enforced solitude. I have tried praying as I walk in the morning, rather than listening to music which occasionally works of my monkey mind can stay on task.
Physical World...
Well, my wardrobe is doing really well (see credit card problems). My physical health, as you can see, not so much. Once I am allowed, I need to get back into excising, and protecting my sleep more, and giving myself the space to cook meals. My house is also a wreck, partially because of the exhaustion and no time for developing cleaning habits.
Air...
I have at least finished one of my three books I need to read before the year's end: Come As You Are. I really need to get on the other two.
Water...
I have at last learned how to call upon my sea captain walk when I need it. However, I have been so wrapped up in my cannonball of exhaustion that I have not taken time for anyone else.
Fire...
I feel that I have definitely followed artistic impulses better this year, and it has payed off with two shows. I have also buckled down and gotten 2 recommended passes for stage combat this year, and Casey said I was "quickly becoming the best in the city." Which made my life.
Earth...
While I have not found a Godswood, I have found pockets of Godswood around. I have explored Takoma Park and the Building Museum, and the Billy Goat Trail. I need to simplify more though. Find more time for contemplation.
I need to recenter before the end of the year. It will be difficult to find time with two shows in the offing, but I need to learn not to take outside projects on top of it. Just because I can fill up all my time doesn't mean I should. I keep relearning this lesson over and over. Lets hope it is not a circle, but a spiral.
Action items moving forward:
- Take time every day to breathe.
- Do not use in between time to eat, shop, and watch TV, but to read, meditate, and exercise.
- Slow down.
- Listen.
- Read Woman Who Runs with the Wolves and Between the World and Me.
- Take time to cook.
- Update thought journal.
- Finish Grandpa's book.
- Continue to weed the house.
- Take risks at work.
Last night, I looked at the bright moon, with the clouds moving fast across its shining face. I felt I could reach out and pluck it from the sky and move it around in my hands like a coin. I was happy in its white radiance. The singular bright focus. I have a ways to go, but I think I am getting there. It is an ever evolving process.
