30x30 Blitz

Hey everyone! Long time no see!

Life has been a little crazy, even though it is supposed to be my time to chill. It is October, and hopefully once it feels more like October and I hit my 29th birthday later this week, I will have a more introspective post. However, I wanted to let you know that I did accomplish several things on my 30x30 this summer, with the help of my brother and my parents!

17) Dye my Hair Blue (August 2, 2013)

It was pretty great while it lasted, and everyone kept encouraging me to keep it, but I started to miss my brown, so I went back.

21) Fly in a Hot Air Balloon (August 14, 2013)

This was an amazing experience. My dad and I got up at 3am so we could get a sunrise launch on the eastern shore. It was so quiet and peaceful, and I got to pick leaves from the tops of trees. The fire roared powerfully each time he pulled the trigger to keep us aloft. We ended up crash landing in some corn as the stalks whipped by our faces and sprayed us with dew.

12) Visit Massachusetts and Walk the Freedom Trail (August 15, 2013)

I walked the entirety of the Freedom Trail in Boston (with my luggage) in one day. All 2.5 miles of it. I wish that I had more time there, because most places I did not get to explore, I just had to take a picture and breeze by. But I had to catch a bus to Concord to see Louisa May Alcott's House and Walden. It was a wonderful experience, and Walden was a perfect place to rest. My total walking with a backpack that day: 7.4 miles.

20) Go hiking and Camp Out Overnight (August 16, 2013)

I went to Massachusetts mainly to visit my brother, and it was pretty great. We went hiking near on a waterfall, we camped out overnight with cheese and beer and roasted hot dogs on sticks. Then we went canoeing the next day. Quality time with the bro. 

Only 19 more to do! In a year. Fingers crossed!

Pruning

"There was a bowl of porridge on the kitchen table and beside it, a saucer with a lump of golden honeycomb on it, and a jug of rich yellow cream. I spooned a lump of the honeycomb and mixed it into the thick porridge, then I poured in the cream. There was toast, too, cooked beneath the grill as my father cooked it, with homemade blackberry jam. There was the best cup of tea I have ever drunk. By the fireplace, the kitten lapped at a saucer of creamy milk, and purred so loudly I could hear it across the room. I wished I could purr too. I would have purred then." 

- The Ocean at the End of the Lane

There are a lot of things going on.

I have found myself longing for time. Even though I often have a night or so a week when nothing is going on, it doesn't help as much as I would wish and I was wondering why. It got me thinking back to an activity Lee did in Project Gym. You have cups labeled with the important things in your life: people, projects, fun, art, day jobs, etc. You only have a certain amount of passion fruit. How do you divide your passion?

Multiple projects take energy, even when you are not working on them directly. You are thinking about them, and devoting resources to them. I look at my life and I have a lot of things going on that I devote time and energy to: my family, my friends, Lee, my day job, God, Neverwhere, John Blade, my three blogs, my YA class, my multimedia class, exercise, being a company member of Flying V, my 30x30 list, social media, all while trying to live up to everyone's expectations and planning for the future (future projects, future jobs, future blog entries, future events).

I read Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman and found myself envying the Hempstock's kitchen with it's porridge and jelly, or its crispy golden shepherd's pie, or its fresh baked bread. Simple but good, hearty food. I found myself wishing I could bake bread. Not as something to add to a list and cram into one night where I stress over the shopping and the recipe and staying up until midnight because I started late. Taking a week to bake bread. Go shopping one day. Kneading the dough the next. Baking it the next. Sitting and enjoying eating it the day after that.

I need more of that in my life. Simple, good things that take time, but are worth it. Not lots of small things that I have to cram in all at once, not appreciating them, sending them out half baked to move onto the next thing.

I have been trying to prune my life. I am training myself that just because I have a day off doesn't mean I need to say yes to someone who asks me to do something on that day. It is ok to say "I'm sorry, I am spending that night at home," rather than feeling guilty and caving because I technically do not have anything planned that evening.

I need my unplanned time. If I do not give something space, it will never grow: my ideas, my self. I have not allowed anything to marinate. I just chew it up and spit it out. No wonder I do not write. I have not taken the time to explore, to play, to dwell in possibility, to examine what I really think.

I need to be deep instead of wide.

Stretching and Finding Time to Breathe

“Cold and silence. Nothing quieter than snow. The sky screams to deliver it, a hundred banshees flying on the edge of the blizzard. But once the snow covers the ground, it hushes as still as my heart.” - Speak, Laura Halse Anderson

Welp... instead of moving away from busy, I have plunged head first into it. I remember a few summers ago I had to quit an additional class because two classes and a show all at once were too much to handle. I laugh at past Megan now.

In one way, this has been very good for me. I am testing my limits on a lot of things and broadening my horizons. I am a ninja in The Continuing Adventures of John Blade, Super Spy with Live Action Theater. I am in three large fights and have no lines. It is good, and very challenging to get back into fighting. I am in awe of everyone's skill and daring. This has made me push myself. I have been exercising a lot more often to catch up with everyone. I am having more difficulty with the small acting moments, strangely enough; filling in the gaps between moments in the fight. Perhaps because I am used to having a solid foundation of who my character is, and build my choices off of that. However, though I have been able to jell my guard scenes into one character, I play three separate ninjas. I can't mix them because all three of them get killed at one point or another. Watching the videos of our fight rehearsals is painful but instructive. It is a humbling experience.

I have learned how to breathe! I have realized that, at least recently in my life, I do not breathe deeply. I compress my chest, and fill my mouth with my tongue and suck in only a tiny bit of air. I am tense and not in my body, and get frustrated a lot more easily. However, when I breathe deeply, my body relaxes, and I am able to be more fluid and confidant in my movements. Less in my head, less frustrated about my performance. I am trying to let that carry over into the rest of my life. I have noticed that when I am sitting at my desk, singing makes me feel... not better. Sometimes I am angry and sing, or I want to be left alone and sing, or stressed or have a head ache and sing. But it makes me feel fuller, if that makes sense. I'm not necessarily releasing whatever emotion I am feeling when I sing. I gain strength to handle the emotion. I believe this is because of the breathing (and yes, the art of singing, expressing myself, yadda yadda yadda). The only time I ever breath correctly is when I sing, because my voice teacher really emphasized it. I have been looking for opportunities to practice correct breathing more often. I tried Tai Chi, which would be good over time, but I have not been able to go more than once a week, due to homework, and it is a cumulative class. I have found a guided meditation podcast, but I have not had a moment to try it yet. Right now, I am just being more conscious of it.

Dramaturging Neverwhere has been stretching me in research ways. I am exploring fiction and non-fiction and myth and history and all sorts of fun stuff! Most of it is self-motivated too, which blows my mind. I always thought I could never be a writer because I had no self-discipline, but it is amazing what I can do when I get in the zone. The cast and crew seem to like my stuff too, so that is wonderful.

My YA class is really stretching me. I have to read 2 novels a week, plus one chapter of the textbook. I have become a lot faster. And it has forced me to take the time to sit quietly by myself and devour books. I am reading a lot of books outside of my regular wheelhouse; lots of contemporary fiction. While at times feels like a teen trauma of the week fest, I have found some wonderful books I never would have discovered on my own, and it has certainly made me more confidant in exploring atypical books in the future.

I have also realized that I should read a lot more nonfiction, as a wannabe writer. If you only read fiction, you are simply copying the ideas of other writers. If you read non-fiction, there are thousands of years and thousands of cultures to be inspired by, on all scales, from a day in a life to the history of the world. So exciting! I just need to find nonfiction books that are interesting to read.

I have also found a wonderful little church. It is liberal, has active social justice and YA groups, sings great songs all together, and has a passionate priest who takes readings on sin and turns them into readings about love. I can't go this week, due to rehearsal, but I will hopefully find time to go regularly.

The one thing I have sacrificed in all of this stretching and growing is my time. Instead of slowing down and not filling my time with minutiae, I have done the exact opposite.  I am watching TV less, certainly, but not because I am doing something quieter or more contemplative. I have all these ideas and impulses inside me and I need space for them to grow and time for them to marinate into something amazing. Alas, the next year does not look any better. I must learn that just because I am free on a certain day doesn't mean I have to say yes to someone who asks me to do something for them on that day. My Lifestyle pinterest board is longingly full of space and quiet and forests and seas and sky and reading nooks. Some days I think myself back to the snowy woods of Deep Creek.

Less time certainly has made me appreciate the time I have with Lee. We have had a few wonderful dates together, making the most of the limited time. We had dinner, went to see a play, and grabbed frozen yogurt on the way home to watch Eureka. Even if it is just snuggling closer to him between busy minutes, I take advantage of whatever time I have to be with him.

Things to work on:
1) Breathing.
2) Stretching those tiny minutes of calm and relaxation into longer minutes.

Trying to Regain Control

Jorge Mascarenhas

“Now ... if you trust in yourself ... and believe in your dreams ... and follow your star ... you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy. Goodbye.” - The Wee Free Men, Terry Pratchett

Since Livejournal has been acting weirder than usual lately, I have saved all my entries in Word and move platforms to blogger!

I wanted to give a report about life and how I am doing with my year goals so far.

I am succeeding at certain things:

1) I believe I have begun to be more present when people talk to me, not interrupting or jumping to the next thing in my head.

2) I've also got a reading nook now, curtsy of Lee for our anniversary! I just need to use it more.

3) I have cut out my morning TV entirely. Instead I check e-mail (when I didn't, I would miss important messages about the day ahead before leaving the house), and then I meditate on a reading from a daily Narnia reading book, and then I read my fun book while I eat breakfast.

I am still working on other things:

1) Keeping active and eating healthier. I've got a wellness coach, but I missed our last meeting. I've been using Supertracker to track my food intake (calories, food groups, processed vs not). I have not been exercising at all. Yet in one month, I lost 10 pounds, which I did not want to do. No idea how it happened.

2) Not multitasking: I have been getting better at not watching TV and playing on the computer at the same time, but I still suck at listening to podcasts and webinars and trying to do work at work.

3) Making fewer commitments. My summer schedule laughs at this idea. It is difficult to make fewer commitments and yet try to accomplish all of your goals.

4) Not choosing TV first. This is probably the real reason why I have no time to accomplish my goals.

5) Taking time for me. Time for me = TV and internet right now. I've been skipping lunch at work too, which is a time when I go outside and read. I need to focus more on reading, walking, archery, and prayer/meditation. Can anyone recommend a good daily guided meditation?

6) Money. All my money goes to food and presents for other people. I'm still using my budget system, but I think I need to make it a bit less fluid and have a set amount I am allowed to spend on food and presents.

I've been feeling really scattered, fuzzy and reactionary lately. Partially because of poor diet and exercise, partially because this summer is full of activities and uncertainty. I have two shows and two classes. Both of the shows are having a difficult time giving me schedules. One show, I am uncertain exactly what they need me to do, and the other show, I have a huge case of impostor syndrome. I'm working with a lot of amazing fight people and I feel so out of shape and inexperienced. And I just got syllabi for my classes and they both look pretty intense. I had to turn down an audition for a show I really wanted to do just to keep my sanity. Which I think is a good thing: part of my goals was saying no to stuff and winnowing down to activities that really serve me.

I have been doing a lot of Sipping and Painting lately, where you go with friends to the Living Social building down town and sip wine while painting a picture. It is an awesome focuser and confidence builder (most of the time). I've painted three rather nice paintings that I am proud of.

Done lots of other fun things: had a clothing swap, went to several parties, went ice skating on the last day you could, had a board game day, Lee came with me and visited my church for Seder and Holy Thursday, took a fun tango lesson with Lee, went to Helen Hayes, saw several shows, and survived the 75th Anniversary of the drama department.

I'm also working on a few of my 30x30. I'm going to church next Sunday with several liberal Catholics to try and find a spiritual home. I have a person who is willing to go camping with me overnight.

I have also accomplished several of my professional goals: head shots and business cards!

I feel like I just have to get on top of things, get into a routine, take more time for myself and watch less TV. I'm thinking of even having a TV/ internet free week this summer.

We'll see. Making progress, just not as much progress as I would like. I will leave you with this awesome cartoon that sums up my life perfectly: