“Cold and silence. Nothing quieter than snow. The sky screams to deliver it, a hundred banshees flying on the edge of the blizzard. But once the snow covers the ground, it hushes as still as my heart.” - Speak, Laura Halse Anderson
Welp... instead of moving away from busy, I have plunged head first into it. I remember a few summers ago I had to quit an additional class because two classes and a show all at once were too much to handle. I laugh at past Megan now.
In one way, this has been very good for me. I am testing my limits on a lot of things and broadening my horizons. I am a ninja in The Continuing Adventures of John Blade, Super Spy with Live Action Theater. I am in three large fights and have no lines. It is good, and very challenging to get back into fighting. I am in awe of everyone's skill and daring. This has made me push myself. I have been exercising a lot more often to catch up with everyone. I am having more difficulty with the small acting moments, strangely enough; filling in the gaps between moments in the fight. Perhaps because I am used to having a solid foundation of who my character is, and build my choices off of that. However, though I have been able to jell my guard scenes into one character, I play three separate ninjas. I can't mix them because all three of them get killed at one point or another. Watching the videos of our fight rehearsals is painful but instructive. It is a humbling experience.
I have learned how to breathe! I have realized that, at least recently in my life, I do not breathe deeply. I compress my chest, and fill my mouth with my tongue and suck in only a tiny bit of air. I am tense and not in my body, and get frustrated a lot more easily. However, when I breathe deeply, my body relaxes, and I am able to be more fluid and confidant in my movements. Less in my head, less frustrated about my performance. I am trying to let that carry over into the rest of my life. I have noticed that when I am sitting at my desk, singing makes me feel... not better. Sometimes I am angry and sing, or I want to be left alone and sing, or stressed or have a head ache and sing. But it makes me feel fuller, if that makes sense. I'm not necessarily releasing whatever emotion I am feeling when I sing. I gain strength to handle the emotion. I believe this is because of the breathing (and yes, the art of singing, expressing myself, yadda yadda yadda). The only time I ever breath correctly is when I sing, because my voice teacher really emphasized it. I have been looking for opportunities to practice correct breathing more often. I tried Tai Chi, which would be good over time, but I have not been able to go more than once a week, due to homework, and it is a cumulative class. I have found a guided meditation podcast, but I have not had a moment to try it yet. Right now, I am just being more conscious of it.
Dramaturging Neverwhere has been stretching me in research ways. I am exploring fiction and non-fiction and myth and history and all sorts of fun stuff! Most of it is self-motivated too, which blows my mind. I always thought I could never be a writer because I had no self-discipline, but it is amazing what I can do when I get in the zone. The cast and crew seem to like my stuff too, so that is wonderful.
My YA class is really stretching me. I have to read 2 novels a week, plus one chapter of the textbook. I have become a lot faster. And it has forced me to take the time to sit quietly by myself and devour books. I am reading a lot of books outside of my regular wheelhouse; lots of contemporary fiction. While at times feels like a teen trauma of the week fest, I have found some wonderful books I never would have discovered on my own, and it has certainly made me more confidant in exploring atypical books in the future.
I have also realized that I should read a lot more nonfiction, as a wannabe writer. If you only read fiction, you are simply copying the ideas of other writers. If you read non-fiction, there are thousands of years and thousands of cultures to be inspired by, on all scales, from a day in a life to the history of the world. So exciting! I just need to find nonfiction books that are interesting to read.
I have also found a wonderful little church. It is liberal, has active social justice and YA groups, sings great songs all together, and has a passionate priest who takes readings on sin and turns them into readings about love. I can't go this week, due to rehearsal, but I will hopefully find time to go regularly.
The one thing I have sacrificed in all of this stretching and growing is my time. Instead of slowing down and not filling my time with minutiae, I have done the exact opposite. I am watching TV less, certainly, but not because I am doing something quieter or more contemplative. I have all these ideas and impulses inside me and I need space for them to grow and time for them to marinate into something amazing. Alas, the next year does not look any better. I must learn that just because I am free on a certain day doesn't mean I have to say yes to someone who asks me to do something for them on that day. My Lifestyle pinterest board is longingly full of space and quiet and forests and seas and sky and reading nooks. Some days I think myself back to the snowy woods of Deep Creek.
Less time certainly has made me appreciate the time I have with Lee. We have had a few wonderful dates together, making the most of the limited time. We had dinner, went to see a play, and grabbed frozen yogurt on the way home to watch Eureka. Even if it is just snuggling closer to him between busy minutes, I take advantage of whatever time I have to be with him.
Things to work on:
1) Breathing.
2) Stretching those tiny minutes of calm and relaxation into longer minutes.
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