The Girl I Mean to Be

I have been struggling a little. I don't know what my life path is. I am getting so discouraged with the job hunt. So many things seem partially interesting, but do not pay, while others need so much that I do not have. Or have elements I do not want.

I want to be in a place where I can build a home and help a community. I want to have routine and innovation. I want to have adventures and fight and have a family.

I worry that I can't have all of that. Or I worry that there are so many ways I can have some of that, but I will not have any of it because I do not decide.

I am a Megan. I want to be a professional Megan. Books, fighting, helping, loving, pretending, adventuring, telling stories.

Mitch

Mitch died yesterday. He was 35. He was supposed to get married this weekend. He felt heartburn last night and threw up. He woke up and texted his friends something funny at 5am. Then, Sara found him cold at 7:30 when she went to kiss him good bye on her way to work.

Dad called me while I was at work and I thought it was a joke. Diane had apparently asked him to tell us. She didn't know how to tell Lee. Which meant that I needed to tell Lee. He couldn't hear it from my dad. I called Lee and told him and he immediately got off the phone to call Diane. I told work I was leaving and took an Uber home. Lee and I saw each other and cried and held each other. Then we took the drive down to Baltimore to Mitch's apartment. The ME was there, which meant Mitch was still there, which was surreal. We were kept in a model apartment with no door on the bathroom, as the police and the ME worked. Then we moved back to the place where Lee's Mom and Dad were staying until they could move into their house in Delaware. And mostly we sat. And cried. And sat. And waited for information from the funeral home. Mom and dad were there for a little. We tried to make ourselves useful by printing things.

Lee and I went home after that and ate pizza and watched episode after episode of Eureka. Until about midnight. We were both so tired, but neither of us wanted to go to sleep because of how Mitch died. We got a few hours of sleep, then watched Eureka and waited again for the arrangements. We traveled to the funeral home to get papers signed. I am very glad we weren't having the service there because it was very strange. The theme seemed to be black and gold, but it had funky shiny hard floors, and mismatched art. On the floor in one of the offices was a large, framed stock family photo from the 1980s with a family and grandparents posing awkwardly. I kept sitting and noticing the strange snake skin like carpet. The cracked moth painting. The jewelry display bust. The fake photo album.

We got the paperwork signed and then headed to Harolyn's again. We helped them get ready, then the families, the wedding party, and the rabbi showed up. We shared stories about Mitch, and it was really cathartic and nice. The rabbi wrote it all down. Then the two families started clashing about shiva logistics. Sara and Lee tried to smooth it out and make it work for everyone. It was a really hard situation. All the while I was trying to be a conduit of information to our friends while trying not to bother anyone.

And now I am home. Lee is at a meeting.

It is a really hard thing. May is my month of compassion, and on the very first day, I have to use it to the very dregs. Patience and support. All while all of our hearts are breaking. I never thought a broken heart would actually hurt. But it does.

The first day, our hearts were heavy, but our extremities were all tingly and we were lightheaded and weak. Day two is like our hearts are dark and heavy, but there are a thousand lacerations in them that ache whenever we move.

Even the smallest things. The wedding gift bags on the dining room table. Wedding invitations on the fridges. Childhood photos. Seemingly innocuous songs from Hamilton. Moments in Eureka episodes. I saw an advertisement for North Carolina on a truck, and thought "Well I am glad it was not Maine." That is where they were going on their honeymoon. Then a truck advertising Maine goes by in the opposite direction.

I think about Sara. Waking up and finding him cold. Wondering if she could have done more. Having all the energy and everything ready for the wedding, and then having to slowly unravel it all. I keep thinking, what if it had been me. We both married a Liebeskind brother.

I used to have nightmares about waking up and finding him dead. Especially as we got close to the wedding. And it didn't happen. But I always leave the house with "I love you" as the last thing I say to him just in case. And here it happened.

I keep thinking of Diane and Al. Mitch was always the one who took the most care of them. Birthdays, holidays. He always had something for them. I didn't want to presume, if Lee didn't do things himself. Now we are the only ones left. The only ones left to take care of them and call them on their birthdays. The only ones left to give them grandchildren, but not Jewish grandchildren. As a Catholic mother, I am unable to do that. We have to be everything for them now. To try and fill a hole that can never be filled.

I keep getting the vision that the universe is different now. Something that was supposed to be here isn't. It left this giant gaping space where a life was supposed to be. A future. A family. And that path is now cut off. No Uncle Mitch.

Lee had the thought that, when we have kids, the child will have a name beginning with M, because that is part of the tradition. And that child will never know Mitch. He or she will have Uncle Brian and Aunt Jen, but they live far away. Part of me wants to get pregnant right now before anything else happens.

It also makes you want to experience life a little more. Not more stuff, but to pay attention. Food tastes really good. We hold hands a lot and pay attention to the feel. You stand outside and notice the breeze and the sun. It is the "every, every minute" monologue in Our Town.

I kept seeing a bumblebee outside of Harolyn's house. It made me happy to think that it might have been Mitch. He was big and friendly and insistent like that. He was there on the day he died, and again today.

Tonight, I am trying to see friends. We have been doing a lot of taking care of others, and I think it will be important to be taken care of tonight. I hope we get to do that. We have several more days of funeral and shiva an our hearts breaking over and over. It is going to be a rough road. But we will do it together.

PS. Grieving makes you thirsty. We have gone through more water than I thought possible. It is very strange.

Fighting the Lady of the Green Kirtle

“One word, Ma'am," he said, coming back from the fire; limping, because of the pain. "One word. All you've been saying is quite right, I shouldn't wonder. I'm a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won't deny any of what you said. But there's one more thing to be said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things-trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's a small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say.” 

So, I am looking for new jobs. There have been a bagillion signs that I should not be at my school:

1) I wake up with a feeling of dread every morning, not excited to go.
2) I get panic attacks in school.
3) When I got the job I felt wary about it.
4) The key lanyard feels like a yoke when I wear it.
5) I have talked to Ms. Ball and Ms. Brown and they both said their mental health is so much better now that they have left the school.
6) My aunt says this job is killing me.
7) I go home and drink and watch TV, and that is all I have the energy to do.
8) I don't want to go to sleep because it means I will have to go to work in the morning.

There are many things I do not like about the school:
1) I do not want to be an authority figure.
2) I hate standing in front of a group of people who are cruel, rude, and disrespectful while I am trying to help them.
3) I do not like the district and how they try to make quick fixes without giving people time to implement them.
4) I do not like standardized testing. It is antiquated and ineffective. It causes me pain to train students in it.
5) I do not like that everyone I talk to is unhappy.
6) I do not like how there are no consequences for the students' actions.
7) I do not like how we claim to be a restorative practices school, but we never go beyond superficial class circles. The administration does not use restorative speech when working with the teachers, and it does not model it with the students.
8) I do not like how everyone is so afraid.
9) I do not like how we only do things for show, not for substance.
10) It is equal parts too big and too small.
11) I hate that I am surrounded by hundreds of people and I can't stand it, and yet am so lonely.
12) I hate that I feel that the school is getting worse each year.
13) I hate that I feel myself growing more and more bitter each year.

Things I want in a new job:
1) A boss that works with me, rather than at me, or for me. Will present me with the problem so we can work it out together, rather than a solution without knowing all the factors.
2) A small team of close knit people who each have a special skill, who can work independently but then come together to create something amazing (The Avengers).
3) An office with a door.
4) The ability to work on projects independently and privately, with the boss available for feedback and questions if necessary.
5) A job that keeps me close to libraries and higher education.
6) A job that lets me help people and give them what they need.
7) A job that has flexibility regarding the schedule OR has a fixed M-F schedule.
8) A job that is relatively low stress so I can have energy after work.
9) A job that has nature nearby.
10) The ability to go to the bathroom when I need to.
11) The ability to have snacks when I need to.
12) A job that has a good salary.
13) A job that helps the world.
14) A job that lets me save my energy for my own children.
15) A place where I have my own space that I can decorate.
16) A place where I can be myself.

However, I feel like I am in an abusive relationship with this job. I have terrible days and I am going to leave. And then there is one good day, and "Maybe it is not so bad." I have my boys. I get to plan cool things. I get to change children's lives. I get to have a territory that is mine. The wolf in me loves that. But it is also a public space, so it is not mine.

Yesterday, I had a day long panic attack. Today, I canceled everything except my class and was fine. my boss wants to have a meeting with me next week, I bet about me saying I might leave. I don't want her to convince me that I should stay. I worry that I am weak-minded enough that it might work.

I want to talk to my therapist about it before we meet. I have an appointment with her in two weeks, so maybe I can put off my boss until then. But then it would be after the intent to return submit deadline which makes it doubly sure I would not be back.

But there is a corner of my brain that says, "but what if..." What if I can't find a job? What if I make a terrible mistake and I was meant to be here and help people.

But I never want to be Mr. Holland. Mom does. I want to have my Opus. Or at least have a job where I can have my own children be my Opus.

Lee and I agreed that we want to make sure we have taken care of our own happiness before we have kids so they can grow up in a household not wracked with mental illness. Or at least as much as our house is now.

I should leave. I want to leave. I want to have a new adventure. I want to be myself again. I want to find a community and job I can be proud of that lets me grow and advance.

I will miss my boys. I will miss working with YA stuff. But I will not miss pretty much everything else.
-------

I just had a Tarot reading with Rodriguez. I asked if I leave, will I find my purpose. The first card was the Fool. That is where I am. I mind my own business and close my eyes to everything going on around me. Willful ignorance. The next was a sword card. It meant I needed to get out, but finances were holding me back. I had the King of Swords which was a male figure helping me to leave. We figured that was Lee. We made a pact that the next step was to be happy, and that we would support each other. He said I was conflicted right now because of the Hermaphrodite and that I needed to buck conventional norms in my path. To follow my intuition.  There was also the Tower, which meant strife. Specifically because of a lack of belief, or lack of getting my ducks in a row. He said I needed to only apply for jobs I really wanted. And he said the final card was a sword card that there would be trials, potentially money and marital ones, particularly if I didn't focus and prioritize.

So basically, I have been keeping myself blinded and foolish by staying in this job. I need to get out and it is ok if that path turns out to be not a conventional path. Lee would help me. I should follow my intuition and only apply for jobs that I am interested in. This will not be easy. I need to prioritize and focus so that I can find who I am.

He said this was a big year, spiritually, and that part of my numerology says I was lazy in a previous life, so I am karmically paying for it now. That I need to get off my ass if I am going to fix my life and everything.

I really do love that the universe keeps sending me signs like this. Like I will open a page of a book, and it says something like "You need to get out and be free." Or I'll listen to a podcast or a book on tape and it will lead me.

I started The Silver Chair, and moments in it matched up with moments in my day. Jill making things harder for herself because of the mistake she made. Aslan and the signs that you should repeat to keep you on your path. The green lady who fogs your brain and makes you think of creature comforts, rather than the solid, worthy, difficult path.

Action items:

I think I will make my meeting with Dr. Roane for after break, so that I can talk to my therapist and send in notice.

I will save my money so that I can have a bit of an easier time when we have smaller salaries.

I will only apply for jobs that I really want.

I will be ok with uncertainty.

I will keep working hard to get a job.

I will go to workshops and networking events.

I will believe.

I am going to live like a Narnian.

(The blessing of Aslan upon this honest marsh-wiggle.)

Writing

I have always said that this upcoming year is the year I was going to write. But it always felt like a precipice that I was standing on the edge of, waiting for the right wind-conditions or mood or equipment.

Yesterday, we had a slam poet come to our professional development session. She challenged us to create a poem in 3 minutes that must include the words applesauce, eavesdrop, is, and rugburn. It also had to make everyone cry.

I thought that writing would be like building carefully with blocks, choosing the right word, being meticulous and slow. In this case, it was like the floodgates opened and a river poured out, and I was grabbing words out of the flow like precious treasures, and batting away others as they passed by.

This is what I wrote:

I stare out the kitchen window at the space where my heart once was.
Where the roots once gripped and fed,
where the trunk stood tall,
where the fruit - tart and sweet like applesauce - ripened,
where the branches reached.
The leaves eavesdropped on my dreams.
Now there is a space. A hole. A vacuum where life once was,
leaving streaks of pain like a rugburn on my soul.

Pretty good for 3 minutes. I was proud of it. And it made me cry.

So I wrote. I broke the seal without really thinking about it. It wasn't a bit moment, or a big production, just born out of necessity in a noisy room in 3 minutes.

So here I am. A writer.

I did realize something as I sobbed, standing and reading the poem out-loud. I think there is something wrong with me, or something that needs expressing. Something unaddressed.  I feel like I am an open person, but whenever it comes time to express something true, it feels like my chest breaks open like an egg and I cry. I wonder if I am more closed than I think I am, tamping down feelings that need expressing until they scream through any crack like steam escaping.

Maybe writing won't be like building a masterpiece, but like letting the words flow out. Unblocking the dam and seeing what happens.

When the truth comes out, I crack open like an egg.
My sternum shatters like shell and scatters
and golden goo, a mess of expression, previously unaddressed,
pours out of me with the viscosity of snot.

My truth needs airholes
a doggy door
a silk road for the soul
I hate to break so easily.

Values and Metrics

I have been reading a really great book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. Actually I listened to it, and immediately bought it and underlined most of it. There are many great takeaways from it:

1) You are what you are willing to suffer for. Instead of avoiding the pain, you have found something that is more important than the pain.

2) Life is a series of problems. You work to get a new house. You get it and now the next set of problems are involving paying for it and repairing it. Happiness lies in finding the problems you enjoy solving.

3) There are two different kinds of entitled people. One thinks they have a destiny and should get stuff because they are on the verge of greatness. The other thinks that their problems are unique and so should get stuff because no one has it as bad as them. You are not special. You are a person like everyone else.

4) Failure is good. Failure means you can learn and change. Those who are the most successful have often failed the most often and then done something with it.

5) There is a difference between responsibility and fault. It is that guy's fault for rear ending you. How you handle it is your responsibility. You are in control of that.

6) Unhealthy relationships involve two people not taking responcibility for their own problems and/ or trying to take responsibility for their partner's problems. Healthy relationships involve two people taking responsibility for their own problems and supporting the other while they do.

7) Pain is good. You should feel it. Pain means something is wrong and you should pay attention and deal with it. If you spend your life trying to avoid pain, you will never grow or change.

Lots of really great stuff in there. It has helped me a lot over the last few weeks. In re-reading it, one part stood out to me. A huge tenant of his writing is the idea of values and metrics. One cause of an unsatisfactory life is that either your values or your metrics are messed up. For example, if you become a famous rockstar, but your metric is that in order to have "made it" you must be better than another band, you are lost. Metrics must be something achievable internally, and they must be things that can continue to be worked on. (not "Buy a house" because once you bought a house, you need a new thing).

So anyway, it got me thinking. What are my actual values and how should I measure them. So I started collecting values. It really helped to get them on paper, and many of them were not what I expected. Maybe my values have changed recently.

Bravery
Curiosity
Adventure
Creativity
Empathy
Exploration
Flow
Grace
Grit
Growth
Imagination
Integrity
Intuition
Listening
Respect
Service
Stillness
Wonder

I realized today that, before, my two main values, the ones by which I judged my life, were being liked by everyone, and being the best. Those are horrible values, and the metrics are all external. So it was kind of cool to go through lists of values and see what really resonated with me once I gave those up.

Exploration, bravery, grit, imagination, integrity, empathy, growth, intuition. It makes me wonder if Jon Jon is right and I am a Gryffindor after all.

I am trying to narrow down the values to a manageable amount, but it is a challenge.

Courage, Curiosity, Integrity, Intuition, Compassion, and Wonder seem to be the main, most important, most specific ones.

Courage means engaging with a brave heart, even though I am scared. It means being open and vulnerable, and letting things come as they may. Not being closed off and trying to control everything. To face challenges with grit and grace.

Curiosity means not being afraid to ask difficult questions, to explore, to always try to see deeper, to get to the root of an issue, to seek out things I do not understand, to step into mysteries with an open mind.

Intuition means to listen to my inner voice. To leave my brain clear enough and ready enough to receive that voice.

Compassion means to always assume the best, to be with people, to listen, to share, to put them first, to comfort, care, and help. To look with empathy, to see the light and humanity of everyone.

Wonder means to never become jaded with what the world brings, with the gifts I have, with the marvelousness of the universe. To recognize the sacred in everyday moments and seek to appreciate and be thankful for the beauty of our world.

Integrity means that I am true to my word. I live my values. I am true to myself and my community. Trustworthy. Whole. I make sure I am physically and mentally able to do my best. I respond, rather than react.

I am going to put these metrics everywhere as a reminder, and try to engage with the world using those values and metrics. I will succeed at my life if I live those values every day.

The cool thing is, these seem to be the qualities you would want in the Queen of Narnia.

Looking Forward to 2017 (Belated)

My word for 2017: Core.

If I lived this word every day, I would know my values, live by them, and be able to articulate them clearly. I would find God in myself and others. I would have a muscular center. I would have a launch pad from which I can interact with the world. I would read and listen and learn and grow from this core.

I am embodying this word already by:
- Writing to help me articulate my feelings.
- Trying to listen to God more.
- Winnowing my reading materials to unbiased sources.
- Finding moments of quiet and contemplation.

I can bring more of my word into my world by:
- Finding more moments of stillness.
- Asking more questions.
- Being unafraid of being uncomfortable.
- Excersising every day.
- Reading and writing.

Words that support my word: Listening, Growth, Questioning, Silence.

What are you looking forward to in 2017:
- Mario
- Fights
- The chance to make a difference.
- Meeting new people.

What are you feeling apprehensive about:
- The World of Trump
- Those who choose not to use compassion and dehumanize "the other side."

What life lessons are you taking with you into 2017?:
- Make space for what you want to do.
- If it is important, keep at it, but listen to your body.
- Sit in silence. It will tell you what to do.

What area of your life do you most want to develop/ nurture?
- Strengthen my Body
- Widen my heart
- Sharpen my mind

In December 2017 where do you want to be...

In your Head (work, dreams, goals)
- Articulate why I believe what I do
- Calmer at work. Able to pause and reflect.
- A confidant, but humble fighter.
- A constant writer (once a week)

In your Heart (relationships, family, friends)
- Keep in contact with family once a month
- Friend date once a month
- Deepen relationship with Lee
- Do not let doors close on friendships I do not want to let go of.

In your Soul (believes, practices, self-love)
- Refocus on God and prayer
- Build in time for nothing.
- Build in safeguards and practices for anxiety
- Put $ and energy where mouth is.

In your physical world (home, health, hobbies)
- Save money
- Things that are useful or beautiful in home/ wardrobe.
- Exercise every day
- Yoga, meditation, open chakras
- Eat healthy, balanced meals
- Keep house clean

In 2017:
I would know what I think and why I think it. My brain would be full of meaty, useful things. I would write every day and have a strong stable core and endurence. I could move and flow and twist freely. I would have a simple, clean house. I would take walks and have space and time to breathe. I would eat simply and healthily. I would be economical. Lee and I would grow stronger and I would have deep wells of friendship with a few rather than shallow bonds with many. I would have mechanisms to control my anxiety.

Air

3 unhelpful beliefs about yourself that you are ready to release:

- I am too busy.

- My anxiety is gone.

- TV is the only thing to do.

3 duties or commitments you are ready to let go of:

- Extra library duties

- Extra theatre duties that don't serve me

- Friend duties that interfear.

3 skills you'd like to learn or improve:

- Situps/ Pull ups

- Forming an opinion

- Removing anxiety when needed

3 Books to read this year:

- Woman who runs with the wolves

- The Artists' Way

- Laughing with God

How could you bring more calm into your life this year?

- Meditate

- Make space for nothing

- Do one thing at a time well

- Write

- Find methods to remove anxiety when needed.

Water

3 things about yourself that you love:

- My tenacity

- My writing

- My journeying spirit

3 ways you could be kinder to your body this year:

- Take baths

- Breathe and move

- Strengthen core

How could you bring more love into your life this year:

- Therapy

- Reaching out t others

- Listening and asking questions

- Reading real stories

- Giving to those in need

Fire

3 interests or hobbies you'd like to explore:

- Archery

- Writing

- Reading

- Acting

3 ways you could feed your imagination this year:

- What ifs...

- Pretend games

- Explore more acting methods

3 Ways you could bring more passion into your world this year:

- Be with more.

- Dedication to exploring.

- Senses.

3 dreams you'd like to manifest:

- Recommended pass in single sword and sword and shield.

- Go to Virginia Beach Bash

- Write regularly

How could you bring more creative energy into your life:

- Read the Artist's way and do exercises

- Listen and observe

- Expand vocabulary

- Writing exercises

Earth

3 ways to bring more mindfulness into your mornings:

- Light a candle

- Meditate and pray

- Frame the day before I leave the house

- Mindful walking to coffee

3 ways to cherish your home this year:

- Live in it more

- Clear the clutter and clean it regularly

- Fill it with homey smells

- Sit in my chair.

3 Ways you could connect more deeply with nature:

- Take walks

- Eat outside when possible

- Meditate beneath trees

3 places you would like to explore:

- A good church or monastery

- A good yoga/ meditation place

- A good writing place

How could you bring a sense of groundedness:

- Big Boots

- Strong core

- Touch meditation

- Yoga

- God at the apex

Wrap Up

2017 will be the year I finally: Manage my anxiety and get a tattoo.

I will nourish myself with: writing and prayer.

I will make more time for: silence and listening.

I will recharge my batteries by: walking in the woods and reading.

I will open my heart to: those I see as my enemy, those who are vulnerable, to being wrong.

I will pay more attention to: why I believe what I do and what is good in the other side, to those who need my help, to when I am just killing time. 

I will learn more about: the world, the issues, and how to concretely help; skills to make myself better, more deliberate, more thoughtful.

I will release my attachment to: exterior benchmarks, being right.

I wish for my 2017 to feel: hopeful, full of growth, steady, brave.

This year I will say no to: absolutes, time wasting.

This year I will say yes to: the third way, listening, critical thinking. 

My secret wish for 2017: I wish for the broken world to heal. 

Looking Backwards to 2016 (Belated)

I realize it is July. As soon as I got back, I went from one show to another and then here we are, the year almost over, and I never shared my journaling.  Here it goes.

My word last year was Flow. I started the year with the laberyinth and flowed with the motion of the path. I suceeded the most in flow with stage combat, writing, auditions, and friendship. I focused and tried not to get in my own way. I got recommended passes in both weapons. I wrote more, honestly and well. I opened and let things flow through me. In auditions, it worked particularly well, especially with Henry and Flying V. I worked, I was specific in the refining, and then I got out of it's way.

What did I embrace?
- My grit and determination. If I wanted something to happen, I made it happen.
- Purposeful days. Days filled with joy and delight.

What did I let go of?
- Being embarrassed to back out of commitments.
- The idea that my view is the right view.
- Forcing things with Lee.
- Shutting people out because of one disagreement.

What changed for me?
- I discovered I was bisexual.
- I ate healthy and cooked Blue Apron.
- I improved in my stage combat skills.
- I cut my hair.

What did I discover about myself?
-  I need to focus on humility and service.
- I need the morning launch time.
- I can't do everything all at once.

What am I the most grateful for?
- Theatre opportunities: Sweeney, coaching with Paul, knife, YPT, Source, LLL, Helen Hayes, Broadsword, Auditioning for Brother and Flying V Fights.
- Time with people: Jazz in the Sculpture Garden, Melting Pot, new friends, hiking, chilling.

When did fear hold me back?
- When I got overwhelmed at work.
- When Trump was elected and everything started happening.

When did I practice bravery?
- When I overloaded and did it anyway.
- When I didn't shy away from difficult conversations.
- Therapy.
- Cutting off my hair.

What surprised me?
- My anger.
- Our honeymoon odyssey.
- Loving broadsword.
- Getting better at acting.
- Being asked to fight for the Welders.

What made me smile?
- Quiet coffee shops where I can read.
- New friends: Danny and Jon Jon and Niusha.
- D and D
- Lee's Advent wreath gift.
- Werewolf Halloween

What conclusions did I reach?
- I have a lot to learn.
- Compromise where you can, and where you can't, don't.
- Make space to do what you want.
- I can get better at things if I make time to do so (fighting, writing, acting).


ACCOMPLISHMENTS
- Rec Pass in Knife and Broadsword
- Grandpa's Memoirs
- Talking to Lee about our challenges

What skills helped you make it happen?
- Didn't get in my own way. Told the story.
- Kept at it even when roadblocks came up.
- Open, honest, well-timed conversations, being with each other, and having common goals.

What have you learned about yourself?
- I am now a person who can do these things.
- I got to know my grandpa and self-published a book.
- We are building something together.

CHALLENGES
- Trump
- Anger
- School

How I deal with the challenges?
- Still dealing with it. Educate myself, build empathy and understanding, donate to my causes, stand up when I need to.
- Let it flow, talk it out, assume the best.
- Take breaks, breathe, don't hold on to useless things.

What have you learned about yourself?
- The world is not moving in the direction we thought.
- I am not "nice." I am more than that.
- I need time and space and I am fighting for it.

Favorite day of 2016:
The day Lee and I went on our Big Island Odyssey. We saw volcanoes, trudged on lava rock, saw petroglyphs, went to the cliffs at the edge of the world, faced our demons, saw where the gods fought, cried in the car, sat in silence, and then created a raw, new partnership, made promises, and journeyed together.

Gifts of 2016:
- sword fighting
- reading quietly in cafes
- labyrinth
- growth-filled projects
- dates with friends and family
- simple pleasures of hearth and home
- walking in the woods
- moments of prayer and meditation
- moments of breaking and healing
- centering, guiding dreams.
- mandated rest
- A Wind in the Door and other touchstones
- working with Grandpa
- Casey saying I was "Quickly becoming the best in the city."
- breaking past relationship barriers
- runes
- melting pot.

Describe 2016 in 3 words:
Break. Heal. Grow

If the Events of 2016 were made into a film or book, what would it be called:
The Life-Death Cycle.

Goodbye to:
- Excess
- Time fillers
- Over-scheduling
- Prejudice
- Fear and Ignorance
- Getting in my own way
- Ego.