Happy Birthday to Me

"The moon makes me hungry for everything."

- Wolf, 10th Kingdom

Well it is my birthday, and what did the universe give me? Pneumonia. It is probably a blessing in disguise. I have not been taking care of myself, pushing my limits of what I can take. The problem is, I never know if I am pushing my actual limits or getting myself up off my ass to do things when I am being lazy. Its hard to distinguish. Turns out this time, I was pushing real real limits.

I started feeling off about 4 weeks ago when I got really out of breath at my fight test. Then, I got a cold. I thought it got better, but I ended with this lingering cough. I went hiking, I did the play late at night, I drank, I pushed myself at work, and then, I ended up with pneumonia and doctor enforced 5 days off of work. Lucky me, the doctor put it in writing, so I don't have to worry about if I am wimping out.

This means, however, that I am spending my birthday on day 4 of 5 days of rest in my house. I had to cancel birthday plans that I was really excited about at the Melting Pot. But seeing how discouraged that made me shows that I have built up a little community of people who I really care about. Pretty good for someone who was wondering a little bit ago if all her friends were leaving her. It is a really lonely day, though, watching TV and doing nothing.

I should be happy, I guess. A universe enforced rest. I am trying to use these two days to do all the things I have been meaning to do once I get a day of rest. Provided it doesn't make me huff and puff too much, of course. This journal is one of those things.

I thought I'd do another check in as the year is drawing to a close. Flow. I have been doing that really well with stage combat, and I have been tapping into it a little with reading. I haven't been doing as much writing as I wanted, but I certainly have been doing more than previous years. I think part of the issue is that I pack my time so tightly that there is no time to live. No time to breathe, or clean, or take space. Maybe "Space" will be my word for next year.

I also know I can't be in a state of flow while I am armored up. The armor comes when I am stressed and trying to press through. There is no real listening there.

Head...

I am not doing well at being financially responsible. I used our joint credit card for fun things when I shouldn't have and I now need to pay it off. I am hitting walls at work, just because I am to afraid to take the leap and try things. When I get back I will get on that. I am reading more. I did the 24 hour read-a-thon, and am reading every morning again, but I don't think I am back in the reading habit yet. I am definitely not in the balanced life of actor/ writer/ librarian yet. The librarian/ actor sides are dukeing it out for most consuming and poor writer self is left in the dust.

Heart...

I have transcribed Grandpa's stories, and all that needs to happen now is getting them finally compiled and published. I have been putting it on the back burner, though, and I feel bad. I need to talk to Mom and Dad more. I want to call them on the phone today, but talking on the phone seems exhausting at the moment. Too much breath. I have been trying to connect with my friends, though, more, which has been going really well. I am closer to Jon Jon, Niusha, and Danny, and kept up good relationships with Gwen and Jason. Mel and I don't really find time for each other, which is sad.

Soul....

I am definitely not finding time for myself and keeping it sacred, unless you count this enforced solitude. I have tried praying as I walk in the morning, rather than listening to music which occasionally works of my monkey mind can stay on task.

Physical World...

Well, my wardrobe is doing really well (see credit card problems). My physical health, as you can see, not so much. Once I am allowed, I need to get back into excising, and protecting my sleep more, and giving myself the space to cook meals. My house is also a wreck, partially because of the exhaustion and no time for developing cleaning habits.

Air...

I have at least finished one of my three books I need to read before the year's end: Come As You Are. I really need to get on the other two.

Water...

I have at last learned how to call upon my sea captain walk when I need it. However, I have been so wrapped up in my cannonball of exhaustion that I have not taken time for anyone else.

Fire...

I feel that I have definitely followed artistic impulses better this year, and it has payed off with two shows. I have also buckled down and gotten 2 recommended passes for stage combat this year, and Casey said I was "quickly becoming the best in the city." Which made my life.

Earth...

While I have not found a Godswood, I have found pockets of Godswood around. I have explored Takoma Park and the Building Museum, and the Billy Goat Trail. I need to simplify more though. Find more time for contemplation.

I need to recenter before the end of the year. It will be difficult to find time with two shows in the offing, but I need to learn not to take outside projects on top of it. Just because I can fill up all my time doesn't mean I should. I keep relearning this lesson over and over. Lets hope it is not a circle, but a spiral.

Action items moving forward:
- Take time every day to breathe.
- Do not use in between time to eat, shop, and watch TV, but to read, meditate, and exercise.
- Slow down.
- Listen.
- Read Woman Who Runs with the Wolves and Between the World and Me.
- Take time to cook.
- Update thought journal.
- Finish Grandpa's book.
- Continue to weed the house.
- Take risks at work.

Last night, I looked at the bright moon, with the clouds moving fast across its shining face. I felt I could reach out and pluck it from the sky and move it around in my hands like a coin. I was happy in its white radiance. The singular bright focus. I have a ways to go, but I think I am getting there. It is an ever evolving process.

40x40: Jazz in the Sculpture Garden

Well, folks, I went to Jazz in the Sculpture Garden and it was delightful! We didn't really listen to the Jazz, though it was nice. We had massive amounts of sangria and some sandwiches and picnicked on a blanket under my favorite silver tree sculpture and played games and talked about life. It was a risk, and it was very successful. I think next summer, I will do it again!

40x40 Count: 4/40

Getting to Know Me

These last few weeks after my anger revelation have been fascinating. I have been talking to friends, and thinking, and feeling and really diving into the work that is me, and why I am the way that I am.

I have been realizing how all the big, emotionally tagged memories of my life are connected. Two of the biggest are when my friend broke up with me, and when I asked my mom for a cookie in front of guests and she said "No" and I internalized it as "I shouldn't have asked. It was wrong to want a cookie." I wondered why I was no trouble as a teenager, and only later in my college years started to really feel all the things.

I wondered if it was because I thought I shouldn't want things. I shouldn't rock the boat. If I fail or am turned down, I am a failure or I made a mistake. And then people I love will see who I really am and leave me.

I grew up labeled as the "Nice" one, the "Smart" one. So if I was ever not nice, I was "mean." If I was ever not "smart," I was "dumb."

I grew a coping mechanism of being extremely likable. I discovered that if people thought I was cute and liked me, I could get more things that I wanted, and in a more subtle way that wasn't demanding something and then potentially being rejected.

I have been reading "Women Who Run with the Wolves," an exploration of fairy tales through a psychological and spiritual lens that emphasizes a woman's growth in the modern world. At the beginning, she emphasized how fairy tales have to kill the "Too Nice Mother." I balked at that. Being nice is a good thing! But as I have come to explore myself a bit more, I realized that is true. Being labeled as Nice is a cage. If you are Nice, you are not allowed to be angry, or brave, or take risks, or rock the boat, or express what you need for fear of not being seen as nice anymore. Some might balk at that idea, but I am realizing being Nice is not the same as loving, or being kind or generous or considerate. Those are so much better and richer and more complex than Nice.

This year, we are focusing on a "Growth Mindset" at school. The idea is that you are not the "smart" one or the "dumb" one. You can change over time. If you work hard, you will get better. Some may have aptitudes in one subject or another, but everyone can make progress if you want it badly enough.

I grew up with a fixed mind set. I was "Smart" and "Nice." I had a role to play. When my fellow classmates started to outstrip me in school because they tried harder than I did, and when I would make a mistake or get a bad grade, or even lose a game, I felt it was a reflection on my very self. My smartness. I was failing at who I was.

The truth is, though, I am more than Smart and Nice. I am fierce, and territorial, and loyal to a fault, and and silly, and angry, and glowing, and loving. and stubborn, and creative, and (one that is still hard for me to convince myself of) sexy, and many more things I am just discovering. I am all those things all at once, and sometimes they contradict each other or get me into trouble or sometimes I make the wrong decisions. I am so much more Wild than Smart and Nice.

I am working on dealing with my anger, and I have realized that nothing works better than expelling it with my voice. I can't dance it out, or paint it out, or exercise it out. I have to let it out through my mouth, either with directed speaking, singing, or crying. I am still unpacking what that means about me. But it feels a bit like a howl.

40x40: Hawaii

Well, we did it! We went to Hawaii! It wasn't even planned We were going to go road-tripping down the west coast, but changed last minute.

It had it's ups and downs. Mostly, ups, and a lot of the downs were actually really good things in the end. I kept thinking of the Avatar: The Last Airbender quote about Ember Island:

"Ember Island is a magical place. Keep an open mind.... and it can help you understand yourselves and each other. The beach has a special way of smoothing even the most ragged edges."

Vacations are the only time Lee and I have together where we are not either exhausted or on the go. Therefore, they are the one time when all our issues come to a head and explode. Most of the time, though, it leads to very important, very necessary conversations that lead us in a better direction.

We saw water and fishes and Pele and volcanoes and petroglyphs and we walked on lava and sailed on ships and swam in reefs and had great adventures.

Hopefully we can go back one day and sink deeper into Hawaii.
40x40 Count: 3/40

My Name is Megan Reichelt, and I am Angry.

So I am angry, and I didn't know it. Which explains a lot.

I went to a wellness coach and we talked a lot about my life and emotional states and health, and from that, she determined that, according to Chinese medicine, I am currently ruled by my gall bladder and liver. This means anger.

I have never thought of myself as an angry person. In fact I have actually avoided being an angry person. I hide when there is conflict. But I have this side of me that wants to smash things. I never knew where that side came from, until I realized that a lot of the times I am stressed or frustrated, I am actually angry. I deal with anger in a few ways: I sing, I cry, or I close it off in a little box and never talk about it again.

I think of myself as the nice one, the timid one, the one who is so sure it is her fault. I never actually allow myself to say "I am really angry right now" because anger is for powerful people, people who know they are right.

Last night, though, I got very angry, and I actually acknowledged it as anger. I had to keep it inside because it was not appropriate to express, but I felt it bottling up in my lower left side. My lips were tingling and I had shortness of breath, and I could feel myself vacillating back and forth between fiery rage and ice cold contempt.

Previously to this conversation, I would have said I am stressed and frustrated. Now, I know I am angry. It doesn't mean I am right. It doesn't mean I have permission to blow the subject of my anger out of the water with a fireball. But it does mean that I am properly identifying my emotions now, and I think in the long run, that will help me.

I just have to figure out mature ways to 1) expel and 2) express my anger without letting it eek out like steam vents in inappropriate moments and areas of my life, or to friends who feel the unintentional heat.

I've tried singing, I've tried journaling, I've tried drawing pictures, I've tried sleeping on it, I've tried talking about it with friends other than the one I am mad with. The problem is that I feel like what will really make it better is to talk to the person I am mad at, but there is never an appropriate time.

I am going to lift some heavy things and help my friends, and hope that this will help calm me down for what I am hoping will be a very healing pool party, but it may also make everything worse.

40x40: Short Hair

Well, I did it! After decades of admiring heroines who cut their hair short to go into battle, I have finally done it myself. It took a few tries to get it right, but I am loving it. I feel fiercer, stronger, and I don't have to do anything to it!

I call it the Battle Pixie.

So here's to Alanna of Trebond, Mulan, Brienne of Tarth, Virginia Lewis, Joan of Arc and all my real life lady hero friends. 

40x40 Count: 2/40.

April Update: On the Journey

"Walk without a stick into the darkest woods. Believe the fairy tale is true." 

- Cheryl Strayed

I just wanted to give a quick update with where I am in my New Years resolution for Flow and my journal commitments I gave at the beginning of the year. Strangely enough, I think I am doing ok!

I have been finding opportunities for flow. I haven't been writing too much, but I have been writing more than usual, and I have been finding flow in my stage combat. I have been listening more to myself and to other people. I began to keep a journal of aesthetics and ideas and have begun crafting an idea for a story out of the images and themes that are important to me and that embody my voice. I have been listening to what my body needs and eating and sleeping when important and taking a break when I need to, while still getting things done. Blue Apron has helped me make home-cooked, healthy, balanced, seasonal meals and I have been getting around 7 hours of sleep each night.

I have also reached a place of humility and confidence combined. I know that I am good at what I do, but that there is always more to learn. It is a nice place to be.

In my head, I am doing better at work, introducing programming during Library Week, and changing my perspective on the administration. I have been reading more, though still not as much as I would like. I have a Read-a-Thon coming up. I have taken steps on our shared accounts to be financially responsible, though I still have a ways to go with my personal accounts. I have taken the opportunity to be a storyteller in theater, not just an actor, though I would love time to write more.

In my heart, I love Lee and I feel our relationship is strong, but it has suffered lately due to separation, I think. We had a beautiful night one night where we played and loved and talked in bed and didn't go to our separate night time routines. We were with each other and I loved that. We need more of that. Hopefully when our shows end and we go on the honeymoon, we will dig in deep to the time we spend together. I am accomplishing my resolution to talk with my family once a month, and have a friend date once a month, so that is going well!

In my soul, I am setting aside time for myself and keeping it sacred. I take my headphones off when I feel that I need it, and turn the TV off too when it is time. I bought a great meditation pillow which helps my back, but I have not yet meditated. I did spend a lovely night reading in my chair with a Sacral Chakra candle burning, and I need to do more of that. I have done some yoga and lots of massages, but not enough praying or writing. I feel I am listening a bit better, though.

In my physical world, I think I am getting there. I can feel my core now, and know what it is to engage it. I am doing frequent combat classes and learning. I am singing a bit, and need to focus on my singing and speaking voice more: deepening it and supporting it. I am taking acting lessons, getting better at my craft. I did the KonMari method of cleaning my house a bit, and it has worked in the areas I did it. I need to do it a bit more though. Clothes are getting there. I had a massive clothing swap and I am liking what I have, but there are still a few duds.

Air
I think my anxiety has let go of me, for the most part. It is an amazing feeling. To think I lived in constant fear all that time. It comes back occasionally, but never to the degree that it did. Mostly my fears have a name. I am doing well in putting aside pockets of unscheduled time, though I rarely use that time to write.

Water
I am doing well here. I am taking time for people. I eat and sleep well. I just need more Lee time without the TV, I need to pray more, and I need to write.

Fire
I am incredibly proud of myself in this venue. Every project I take on challenges me in some way. I was finally acknowledged as a respected player in the fight community when Casey asked me to participate in Shakespeare's Birthday Party fight demonstration, even though I couldn't do it that year. I have my asethetic notebook. I follow my impulses. I am about to reach out about archery. But I do not write.

Earth
I have begun to use my anxiety to fuel me, rather than tamp it down. I occasionally, though not consistently, live in my house, and not in my TV. I cook and sing and listen to music. I do want to find a way to center before every day and take more time in nature.

I have engendered a culture of reading at Cardozo, or at least the start of one, and I did blow them away with knife, getting a recommended pass with no notes. We will see about broadsword.

All in all, I think I am doing ok. I need to focus on praying, writing, exercising, and deepening the time I spend with Lee.