Getting to Know Me

These last few weeks after my anger revelation have been fascinating. I have been talking to friends, and thinking, and feeling and really diving into the work that is me, and why I am the way that I am.

I have been realizing how all the big, emotionally tagged memories of my life are connected. Two of the biggest are when my friend broke up with me, and when I asked my mom for a cookie in front of guests and she said "No" and I internalized it as "I shouldn't have asked. It was wrong to want a cookie." I wondered why I was no trouble as a teenager, and only later in my college years started to really feel all the things.

I wondered if it was because I thought I shouldn't want things. I shouldn't rock the boat. If I fail or am turned down, I am a failure or I made a mistake. And then people I love will see who I really am and leave me.

I grew up labeled as the "Nice" one, the "Smart" one. So if I was ever not nice, I was "mean." If I was ever not "smart," I was "dumb."

I grew a coping mechanism of being extremely likable. I discovered that if people thought I was cute and liked me, I could get more things that I wanted, and in a more subtle way that wasn't demanding something and then potentially being rejected.

I have been reading "Women Who Run with the Wolves," an exploration of fairy tales through a psychological and spiritual lens that emphasizes a woman's growth in the modern world. At the beginning, she emphasized how fairy tales have to kill the "Too Nice Mother." I balked at that. Being nice is a good thing! But as I have come to explore myself a bit more, I realized that is true. Being labeled as Nice is a cage. If you are Nice, you are not allowed to be angry, or brave, or take risks, or rock the boat, or express what you need for fear of not being seen as nice anymore. Some might balk at that idea, but I am realizing being Nice is not the same as loving, or being kind or generous or considerate. Those are so much better and richer and more complex than Nice.

This year, we are focusing on a "Growth Mindset" at school. The idea is that you are not the "smart" one or the "dumb" one. You can change over time. If you work hard, you will get better. Some may have aptitudes in one subject or another, but everyone can make progress if you want it badly enough.

I grew up with a fixed mind set. I was "Smart" and "Nice." I had a role to play. When my fellow classmates started to outstrip me in school because they tried harder than I did, and when I would make a mistake or get a bad grade, or even lose a game, I felt it was a reflection on my very self. My smartness. I was failing at who I was.

The truth is, though, I am more than Smart and Nice. I am fierce, and territorial, and loyal to a fault, and and silly, and angry, and glowing, and loving. and stubborn, and creative, and (one that is still hard for me to convince myself of) sexy, and many more things I am just discovering. I am all those things all at once, and sometimes they contradict each other or get me into trouble or sometimes I make the wrong decisions. I am so much more Wild than Smart and Nice.

I am working on dealing with my anger, and I have realized that nothing works better than expelling it with my voice. I can't dance it out, or paint it out, or exercise it out. I have to let it out through my mouth, either with directed speaking, singing, or crying. I am still unpacking what that means about me. But it feels a bit like a howl.