April Update: On the Journey

"Walk without a stick into the darkest woods. Believe the fairy tale is true." 

- Cheryl Strayed

I just wanted to give a quick update with where I am in my New Years resolution for Flow and my journal commitments I gave at the beginning of the year. Strangely enough, I think I am doing ok!

I have been finding opportunities for flow. I haven't been writing too much, but I have been writing more than usual, and I have been finding flow in my stage combat. I have been listening more to myself and to other people. I began to keep a journal of aesthetics and ideas and have begun crafting an idea for a story out of the images and themes that are important to me and that embody my voice. I have been listening to what my body needs and eating and sleeping when important and taking a break when I need to, while still getting things done. Blue Apron has helped me make home-cooked, healthy, balanced, seasonal meals and I have been getting around 7 hours of sleep each night.

I have also reached a place of humility and confidence combined. I know that I am good at what I do, but that there is always more to learn. It is a nice place to be.

In my head, I am doing better at work, introducing programming during Library Week, and changing my perspective on the administration. I have been reading more, though still not as much as I would like. I have a Read-a-Thon coming up. I have taken steps on our shared accounts to be financially responsible, though I still have a ways to go with my personal accounts. I have taken the opportunity to be a storyteller in theater, not just an actor, though I would love time to write more.

In my heart, I love Lee and I feel our relationship is strong, but it has suffered lately due to separation, I think. We had a beautiful night one night where we played and loved and talked in bed and didn't go to our separate night time routines. We were with each other and I loved that. We need more of that. Hopefully when our shows end and we go on the honeymoon, we will dig in deep to the time we spend together. I am accomplishing my resolution to talk with my family once a month, and have a friend date once a month, so that is going well!

In my soul, I am setting aside time for myself and keeping it sacred. I take my headphones off when I feel that I need it, and turn the TV off too when it is time. I bought a great meditation pillow which helps my back, but I have not yet meditated. I did spend a lovely night reading in my chair with a Sacral Chakra candle burning, and I need to do more of that. I have done some yoga and lots of massages, but not enough praying or writing. I feel I am listening a bit better, though.

In my physical world, I think I am getting there. I can feel my core now, and know what it is to engage it. I am doing frequent combat classes and learning. I am singing a bit, and need to focus on my singing and speaking voice more: deepening it and supporting it. I am taking acting lessons, getting better at my craft. I did the KonMari method of cleaning my house a bit, and it has worked in the areas I did it. I need to do it a bit more though. Clothes are getting there. I had a massive clothing swap and I am liking what I have, but there are still a few duds.

Air
I think my anxiety has let go of me, for the most part. It is an amazing feeling. To think I lived in constant fear all that time. It comes back occasionally, but never to the degree that it did. Mostly my fears have a name. I am doing well in putting aside pockets of unscheduled time, though I rarely use that time to write.

Water
I am doing well here. I am taking time for people. I eat and sleep well. I just need more Lee time without the TV, I need to pray more, and I need to write.

Fire
I am incredibly proud of myself in this venue. Every project I take on challenges me in some way. I was finally acknowledged as a respected player in the fight community when Casey asked me to participate in Shakespeare's Birthday Party fight demonstration, even though I couldn't do it that year. I have my asethetic notebook. I follow my impulses. I am about to reach out about archery. But I do not write.

Earth
I have begun to use my anxiety to fuel me, rather than tamp it down. I occasionally, though not consistently, live in my house, and not in my TV. I cook and sing and listen to music. I do want to find a way to center before every day and take more time in nature.

I have engendered a culture of reading at Cardozo, or at least the start of one, and I did blow them away with knife, getting a recommended pass with no notes. We will see about broadsword.

All in all, I think I am doing ok. I need to focus on praying, writing, exercising, and deepening the time I spend with Lee.

Zebras in the Sky

When I was a little girl, I had a best friend. Her hair was made of golden springs and she glowed like a powerful, reckless, sneaker-clad dandelion. She was fierce and inventive, cruel and loyal, and I would have done anything for her.

She broke my heart twice. One break was small and deep, a shard of glass in the heart, and I didn't notice it until many years later. The other break was wide and shallow.

The second break is the easiest to define. I noticed it right away. We had been a duo. We adventured into imaginary worlds of dragons and witches and spies and scientists. Then, in fifth grade, she stood on top of a hill, white against the trees of the school yard, and shouted "Well maybe I don't want to pretend anymore!" It landed with the thunk of an arrow. Pretending was all that I did. It was all that I was. I thought she was there with me too. But she grew up. She found other friends. I moved on, and turned pretending into my job.

The first break I am only now coming to grips with.

The sky was bright and cloud-speckled as her mother drove us from some errand. Perhaps visiting my friend's grandmother. My heart was singing because it was a beautiful day. The window was open and the breeze was blowing light and warm. I looked up in the sky at the clouds and I saw zebras. A herd of zebras loping across the sky. The clouds had formed themselves just right, and I thought it was such a cool idea. Sky Zebras running across a vast plain of blue. So I said "Look! Zebras!" and I pointed at the sky. At first they didn't understand. I stumbled to backtrack and explain. Then, they laughed. Both she and her mom laughed at me. I remember feeling wrong. Crazy. Like things this strange are not meant to be thought, much less spoken.

It is strange how certain stories from your childhood stick with you while others are completely forgotten. What makes a memory so visceral that it feels like yesterday, when others equally as important evaporate?

The most vivid part of that memory was the wrongness I felt. I was obviously crazy for ever having had those thoughts, for thinking that something was other than it was, or imagining the impossible for no reason whatsoever. I tamped down those impulses for a long time. My weird perspective. I even convinced myself that I had no unique voice, nothing to say that other people weren't already saying. I pushed my crazy dreams, and my "what if" scenarios, and my Picasso thinking to the back closet of my brain and put things in front of the door so they wouldn't sneak out at an inopportune moment and show how crazy I was again.

As I am really starting to move in the direction of writing, I realize how important those tools were. All my odd and crazy thoughts are actually exactly what I need to find inspiration and become a writer, along with my obsessive nature, my need for flow, my love of research to learn cool things (not prove facts), my collection of memory and ephemera, my nostalgia, my empathy, my ability to listen, and my delight in choosing the right words.

I have opened up that closet now and have begun dusting off everything. My dreams are coming back (I think thanks to no meds and better sleep), I am listening to the world rather than hiding from it, I have sworn off TV for Lent so I am getting more done, and I am playing games with myself: "What if a bear wandered through the parking lot right now?" "Those leaves look like potato chips. NO! Papery husks! NO! Skeletons!"

Now all I have to do is have the courage to sit down and write.

"'Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things--trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say."

EDIT: I have been reading Woman Who Runs With the Wolves and recently read the chapter on Bluebeard. It is about how women have Bluebeards of their own, real or internal, that keep them from being curious, from asking the right questions, from listening to their instincts. It often manifests itself in dreams or stories as the scary man. Re-reading this with the metaphor of the closet in my mind, I remembered a meditation we did in voice class that explored our psyche. The teacher said that if we came face to face with a monster, imagine a door and put him behind it. I raised my hand and asked "But what good will that do? The monster is still there, only now you can't see him." The class laughed at my seemingly literal take at this metaphor. When I told the story later to my family, my aunt took it seriously, saying that I should have a knowledgeable guide help me face the monster. This is the aunt who, when I was a child, suggested Woman Who Runs with the Wolves in the first place.

I wonder if the monster all along has been my Bluebeard, this impulse inside me that kept me afraid of listening to myself and my impulses. Well, I am using the key now, opening the closet, and seeing what is inside.

Why I Like Novels Better Than Plays

I have a confession that I don't think is too much of a secret. I hate reading plays. I hate it. Ironic for a Literary Manager, but honestly I am more of a Literary Administrator. I send out the plays and collect responses, only reading the ones people loved from cover to cover.

I hate reading plays because they are incomplete. For a novel to be a work of art, all you need is the writer to write it, and the reader to read it. They both bring their different perspectives and experiences and that amalgamation creates the story being told.

A play on the page is is only 1/3 of the way baked. The writer writes it, and then a director must direct it, designers must design it, actors must act it and THEN an audience must watch it for it to be complete. For it to be what it was meant to be.

I will occasionally have a little bit of inspiration or clarity while reading a play if I can say, "This is how I would act this particular part," or "This is how I would direct this moment," but I can never imagine a complete production. Everything is two dimensional.

I wonder if I should step back from Lit Managing. It is taking a lot of my attention, and really I would like to write. I should wait for when Randy and Jenny come back from the Humana Festival to see where they are taking Rorschach. In the mean time, I am setting up readings of some of the plays we are considering, and helping a playwright write her play with the power of dramaturgy and some help from Anne, so maybe that extra knowledge will help me see plays a bit more clearly.

The Arrogance and Humility of Age

“When you’re an artist, nobody ever tells you or hits you with the magic wand of legitimacy. You have to hit your own head with your own handmade wand. And you feel stupid doing it.” 
― Amanda Palmer, The Art of Asking; or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help

I have been thinking recently about age. I recently was speaking to someone I thought was older and more experienced than me, and discovered that she was in fact almost 5 years younger. It made me feel really awesome. I thought about it for a while and I came up with this realization.

I have not yet reached an age where I want to be younger. I don't necessarily want to be older. I like my age. I just like being older than other people.

This might be because I always assume that I am younger. I have a default setting of Bambi. The younger. The inexperienced. The junior partner. When I discover I am older than someone it fills me with this flush of confidence and power. I am the veteran. I know stuff. I am older and wiser and have had experiences this person has not yet. You will learn in time, young Padawan.

I realize this is not actually true. Wisdom and expertise come through experience, not age. But I rarely feel that I have status, so latching on to that feeling helps me to feel that I have power.

It is amazing. In moderation, of course. I need to find a way to feel that I have worth and status in a more permanent way, and this might be the seed of that. Obviously, it is impractical to only hang out with people who are younger than me all the time.

Conversely, as I get older, I realize how much there is to learn. When I was younger, I thought you would get to a point where you knew what you needed to know to be amazing at what you do. I don't think that any one really and consciously reaches that phase. You always see the next step, the next level. Become really good at one thing? You could be better at it, or you could diversify to become amazing in a slightly different element of what you do.

No one is ever truly finished baking. It is a nice thing to realize. We are all learners in different stages of our journey. I had a friend who was fighting with me (stage combat-wise) and I was discouraged because I wasn't sure if we had gotten the fight "right." He said something like there was no right or wrong. There is only "in process." I liked that.

The Janus Coin: Looking Forward to 2016

"Do not think. Become."

- Snow White, The 10th Kingdom

Instead of making resolutions this year, I wanted to "focus" on things. These things would be the main priorities for the year, and if I ever fail to do them, I can refocus without feeling like I ruined everything.

I have a word for the year: Flow. I am happiest when I am in a state of flow, that time of utter focus where time goes away and I am 100% focused on what I am doing. I get there with writing sometimes, or crafting, or stage combat, and it is awesome. I want to incorporate that idea more into my life, and find more opportunities for flow. Its second meaning is something I discovered last year. I can either be completely submerged and wave-tossed by events and emotions, or I can ride them like a dinosaur. Or a wave, which goes better with the metaphor, but dinosaur is more fun. Get above it and surf. Be there, go with it, but don't get pile-drived into the sand.

This idea of flow also goes hand in hand with listening. When I am a state of flow, I listen better to what the moment needs. I intuit. This year, I want to focus on listening more. Listening internally as well as externally. To my needs, my creative impulses, my conscience, my God, as well as to my friends, my students, nature, the world. Being still enough in myself to listen.

All this means getting back to basics. I am also focusing on eating well (healthily, enough and regularly) and getting enough sleep. I cannot accomplish any of the above without those basics. I will also exercise a bit more, keeping my body so that flow can easily happen and I am not blocked by the morass that sedation often brings.

This also means pruning. Cutting back on all the things that are busy and do not matter, and making time for the things that do. I have started a bit of this in my house with the Magic of Tidying up and it is fantastic.

Those are the big things. I did the Unraveling the Year Ahead Workbook, and here are the responses to some of the questions:

In December where do you want to be...

... in your head?

• Confidant in work
• A Storyteller
• Able to read for hours
• Financially responsible.
• Closer to my mountain of a balanced writer/ actor/ librarian.

.... in your heart?

• A true partner with Lee.
• A scribe for my grandfather's stories.
• Really talking regularly with Mom and Dad and my friends. 

..... in your soul? 

• Setting aside quiet time for myself and keeping it sacred.
• Writing.
• Praying/ meditating.
• Listening.

... in your physical world?

• Strong core.
• Enough Sleep
• Simple home containing only things of use and beauty.
• A robust voice (singing and speaking)
• Relaxed, but ready muscles.
• A wardrobe that is ME.

Air

List 3 unhelpful beliefs about yourself you are ready to release.

1. I am weak.
2. I am untalented.
3. My anxiety engulfs me.

List 3 ways you can bring more ease to your week-day routine.

1. Plan me time each day alone when I am not working on anything.
2. Schedule a time to work and then let it go when it is done.
3. Take time to write.

List 3 duties or commitments you feel ready to let go of in 2016.

1. Extra duties for brownie points.
2. Being the librarian who is good at everything.
3. Tasks that do not align with my priorities and values.

List 3 books you want to read this year.

1. Woman Who Runs with the Wolves
2. Between the World and Me
3. Come as You Are.

How could you bring more calm into your life?

1. Drink more tea.
2. No screens before bed.
3. Simplify the house.
4. Do not fill up all the time I have.

Water

List 3 things about yourself that you positively love

1. Empathy.
2. Style.
3. Imagination

List 3 ways you will be kind to your body this year.

1. Yoga
2. Walk like a sea captain (like I have my sea legs, am easily in charge, and know my ship)
3. Breathe
4. Sleep
5. Eat

List 3 ways you will connect with loved ones in 2016.

1. Really spend time with Lee without the TV.
2. Call mom and dad once a month.
3. Have a friend date once a month.

How could you bring more love into your life this year?

1. Take time for people.
2. Listen to people's needs and respond to them.
3. Breathe. Write their story. Forgive.
4. Take time for God and listen to him. 

Fire

List 3 passions/ hobbies you would like to explore more in 2016.

1. Archery.
2. Writing.
3. Fighting.

List 3 ways you can feed your imagination this year.

1. Write stories and blog posts regulary.
2. Keep a thought journal.
3. Pretend.

List 3 ways you could bring more laughter into your world.

1. Connect with friends more.
2. Follow impulses
3. Retell the story to make fears "Riddikulus!"

List 3 dreams you would like to manifest this year.

1. Create a writing habit.
2. Be a competent fighter.
3. Walk like a sea captain.

How could you bring more creative energy to your life this year?

1. Yes, and...
2. "What if" stories.
3. Not about me. About the story.
4. Set aside time to play.

Earth

List 3 ways you can cherish your home this year.

1. Simplify.
2. Spend more time in it than in the TV.
3. Fill it with good homey smells.

List 3 ways you can connect more deeply with nature in 2016.

1. Take more quiet walks.
2. Find a Godswood.
3. Stargaze.

List 3 places in your city, town, or neighborhood you want to explore.

1. Rock Creek Park
2. Takoma Park
3. Building Museum

How could you bring a sense of groundedness to your life?

1. Root Chakras
2. Excersise core
3. Deepen relationship with Lee
4. Center before beginning the day
5. Mindfulness: "Walk on my feed, Hear with my ears..."
6. Use anxiety to fuel me, rather than tamp it down.

What does 2016 look like in your ideal world?

• Simple. Brave.
• I will have renewed close relationships with my family and friends.
• Lee will be able to live his dreams and we will be financially responsible,
• I will write again and come up with many crazy and creative stories.
• I will record my grandfather's history and the history of our family.
• I will be a wolf. I will walk like a sea captain. I will embody all that I love about my heroes.
• I will blow them out of the water with knife and broadsword.
• I will engender a culture of reading at school.
• I will take time to read, write, think, and cook and the tv will be a distant memory.

The Wrap-Up

2016 will be the year I finally: break into the stage combat world as a skilled player.

I will nourish myself with: setting time aside to be alone, read, to listen, to write.

I will make more time for: friends and cooking.

I will recharge my batteries by: living fully in my house, not just watching tv, and taking walks in the woods and talking to people about how they are. 

This year, I will open my heart to: adventure, uncertainty, creative flow, mistakes.

I will pay more attention to: being grounded, having my sea legs, truly partnering with Lee.

I will release my attachment to: my own self-importance, my complaining, my self-rightious anger, why "I can't..."

I wish to feel:  like a wolf (fierce and playful), like a sea captain (grounded, confidant and flexible), like part of a centrifugal super team, whole, succulent, and full of gratitude. 

This year I will say "No" to: negative, fear-inducing, victimizing noise.

This year I will say "Yes" to: the right stories. Empathy. Quiet. Simple pleasures. 

My secret wish is to: Find the Flow in All Things.

My Long Term Future: 40x40

Kyr: I'm not afraid of you. You're soft and weak.

Zhaan: Soft, yes. Weak, no.

- Farscape

So I almost did all of my 30x30. Anything I didn't do, I reevaluated and moved to my 40x40.

40x40

1) Do a pull up.
2) Write a novel.
3) Get something published in physical form.
4) Learn Spanish.
5) Learn French.
6) Learn ASL.
7) Become an advanced actor combatant.
8) Shoot a bull's eye with an arrow.
9) Play a significant part in a musical I love.
10) Volunteer at an organization that does good things.
11) Play the theme song to the Granada Sherlock Holmes on the violin.
12) Go on an archaeological dig.
13) Finish the handwriting book to learn legible handwriting.
14) Stargaze in a place with no light pollution.
15) Find my spiritual home.
16) Buy a house.
17) Travel to at least one of these places: Hawaii, Alaska, Europe, Japan, Australia, Ireland, England.
18) Ride a horse.
19) Go to Jazz in the Sculpture Garden.
20) Sail in a sailing ship around the harbor.
21) Adopt a pet.
22) Get married.
23) Meet a celebrity.
24) Attend a ComicCon in costume.
25) Create my family tree.
26) Compile all my journals into one document and print them in book form.
27) Take a writing class.
28) Cut my hair very short.
29) Learn how to sew. (Take a class)
30) Learn how to fix things. (Take a class)
31) Cook and eat healthy meals for 30 days.
32) Meditate/ Pray every day for 30 days.
33) Develop strong core muscles.
34) Visit a cave with cave paintings.
35) Go to a farm and pick my own produce.
36) Spend a weekend at a spa.
37) Save $100,000.
38) Create a study.
39) Read 50 classic books.
40) Fly with a water jet pack.

The Janus Coin: Looking Backwards to 2015

In one of my favorite books as a child, a character finds a Janus coin, a coin with two faces, one looking forward and one looking backward. It had some magical property in the story, but the image always stuck with me. Janus is the god of transitions, new beginnings, looking to the future and to the past. I love that we all do that in January (the month named after him). We look back to see our mistakes and how to learn from, as well as our successes and how we grew and what we loved. We look forward to our hopes and goals and try to be reborn in the new year. Even though we have this chance every single day, New Year's marks a special holiday where we get to slough off our old, tired skin and emerge renewed and strong.

2015 was cray-cray. Or at least it felt that way. I didn't really write at all. Most of my reflection is based on my calendar and on Facebook statuses. Thank god for those, or I would never remember anything I did.

First, I got married. It was awesome. I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend! With the fairy godmother help of all our friends and family, the day went perfectly. Even though things didn't always go according to plan, I felt like the calm in the eye of the storm. I knew that no matter what happened, everything would be fine. I wore a crown and a fairy tale dress, and Lee was handsome in a custom suit. I carried a sword down the aisle with my mommy and daddy as "All My Days" played and my Ladies in Arms had shields they made themselves. We stood under a chuppah made by our friends, We had blessings from Jewish and Catholic traditions and readings from Gift from the Sea and A Fault in Our Stars read by our friends. We had a community blessing where all of our friends promised to help us on our journey together. Mole gave us the rings after a spectacular entrance on a remote control car. We said our vows to each other and cried and danced. My brother then bound us together as husband and wife and before we took the trip back down the aisle, we paused for a moment, as "If Just One Person" from the Muppets played and we looked at all of our friends and family who had come. There was so much love that day. After that we partied, and danced and sang and told funny stories and picnicked and ate pie and mac and cheese and looked at the stars. It was perfect.

People ask me if it feels different, and in a way, it doesn't. We have lived together for 7 years, so that hasn't changed. But it is different in other ways. I feel like I have a solid foundation. Before, if I did something crazy out in the world, I felt like I might fly off into the ether and never come back. Now, I know I can take risks because I will always have a solid foundation to come back to, no matter what.  I am also now responsible for another human being. I can't just buy expensive shoes and then eat noodles for a month. Things must be thought through on both sides. It is a good thing. I feel like our partnership has deepened. Like we are now a binary solar system, or like we are spinning around in circles holding hands in the middle: our centrifugal force and connection keeps us balanced and keeps us going.

This was also a year of pushing myself theatrically. I started the year retreading old ground, performing in Pirates 2 and re-finding Opal amongst a very different cast. But I got to drive my beautiful ship with people I loved.

I helped out with the Source Festival development process and did some long form improv. I absolutely loved it and ended up improv monologuing, just telling the story. Usually, improv paralyzes me, but it helped me realize it was just pretending.

This helped me so much on my next adventure: Flying V Fights: Heroes and Monsters. I wasn't supposed to be in the cast originally but two people dropped, so they asked me. I felt rather out of place because I couldn't see what I brought to the table. But I did my method: suck it up, ask for help, drill, pretend you can. It was a really fantastic show to be a part of. I remember most specifically the times when I struggled to execute a move in my Buffy fight and Tumulty and Tory and Rob and Jon would help work it out, and then I could do it! I could handstand onto Tumulty's shoulders. I nearly died with the speed and effort required every night, but at the end of the run, I had a 6 pack. I want to get there again. And again, Flying V let me do the most extraordinary things: be Buffy, have a dream ballet with Lee, puppeteer a valiant teddy bear, participate in a mele fight and get my neck snapped. It was a great experience, to reawaken that movement part of me that was getting rusty.

After that, I did The Bleeding Heart Show, another kind of challenge. Over the course of the evening, I had to play 4 different parts: the ideal girl-next-door, a writer who had lost her friend, a thug, and a roller derby girl. It was an exercise in the many facets of Megan. The roller derby girl was the hardest because I had to learn how to convincingly roller skate for the part, and I think I did a damn good job of it. I also had to be solid and could not fall back on fluttering anxiety. It was really really hard, but opened me up to new possibilities for movement and choices that I felt weren't open before.

I decided it was time for me to begin auditioning for musicals again, so I sent in my voice track for Sercret Garden. I didn't get the part, but it made me realize how rusty I actually was. I auditioned for two more musicals with the help of my friend Steve who coached me and helped me prep. One, I didn't get. The other, I did. I got to be in my second favorite musical of all time, Sweeney Todd. And let me tell you, it was frikkin hard. I cried on my second day because it is a very difficult musical to learn if you can't read music. But I did what I always do: I sucked it up, I worked hard, I drilled, I pretended I was the kind of person who could do this sort of thing. And I did it. I am ridiculously proud of the work I did in Sweeney. I remember the day when my voice opened up again, and I could sing like I used to be able to in high school. It was glorious. The experience also redefined my idea of the theater community of DC and who they are. And it helped me define what I want from a theatrical experience, and what I will and will not compromise in the future.

I also began doing stage combat classes again. It was both fun and discouraging. I almost failed my unarmed test because we didn't act it well. I know something is holding me back fight-wise, but I don't know what it is.

I think the hardest theatrical thing for me this year was returning to monologue auditioning. I know that in the past not having a monologue in my back pocket has prevented me from auditioning from many shows. It was something I vowed to get passed this year, and through hard work and help, I did. I still hated it. It is still very very scary, and not something I want to do often. But I now know that I can.

Spiritually, this has been a remarkable year. I use "spiritually" to encompass my internal stuff. At the beginning of this year, I went off of medication that had been causing paralyzing anxiety. I didn't realize how much until I was off of it for a little while and realized this freedom was what most people felt all the time. That is not to say that my anxiety went away completely. I soaked in it for at least 7 years and it has become habit forming, a natural place for my body to go in times of stress. But I feel like I am slowly weening myself away from it. Part of it is convincing myself that it does not make me more efficient, more effective, or more important.

This was also a year that I learned I function best with a good night's sleep and real regular meals. I know this is not a huge revelation for many, but often I get too in my head and stubborn and push through when my body says no. It was severely detrimental to my work and my quality of life this past year, and I am determined to make it a priority for next year.

I noticed on my Facebook posts that this year that I took a lot more time to appreciate what I was doing. I often posted about cooking with Lee and how beautiful and calm and precious and fun it was. Apple and raisin challah, lamb chops, dancing in the kitchen, watching TV, going to the farmers market, a used book store, having coffee with my family, drinking hot toddys, taking on the phone with Caitlin about OUAT, taking walks in the crisp fall air, reading in front of a fake fire, getting massages. I like that. Not only that I began to notice the beautiful, human moments, but that I have them. I took time to appreciate. I want to do that more.

I also spent a lot of time this year revisiting old heroes.  I reconnected with Buffy, Katherine Janeway, Samwise Gamgee, Alanna, Kate Beckett. The heroes from my childhood that I learned so much from. And during my rewatches, I remembered why they are the building blocks of who I am and what I can take from them into who I am now.

I also began to dream again. I am not sure if it was a combination of lack of anxiety with more sleep, but my epic dream sagas came back with a vengeance. I am starting to reconnect with my unconscious self and creating beautiful and terrifying stories in my sleep and I love it.

So the biggest takeaways from the year are:

- To do great things, I just need to suck it up, try not to think about the stakes, take things one step at a time, work hard, make time, ask for help, and pretend that I am the kind of person who can (nay, deserves to) do this sort of thing.

- I function 100% better with sleep and real food at regular intervals. That is the bare minimum to be my best self.

- I am no longer alone. I have a partner for life, with all the beautiful things and all the responsibility that entails.

- Take time to notice the moments when you are happy and write them down. They will remind you how to get back there when times are darker.

- That I can either get sucked under the wave of a difficult or scary situation, or I can ride it.

- I just need to tell the right story and everything changes. An obstacle becomes a challenge. A bad day becomes an adventure. A scared Megan becomes a brave one.