I have started collecting INFJ things that profoundly resonate with me here on my Pinterest page if you are interested in the care and feeding of a Megan.
Another thing I have discovered, which is a bit less playful in nature, is one of the reasons why I get mad. I was thinking about typical interview questions and I thought of the "How do you react in a crisis?" question. My first impulse was, "Very calmly and well. My brain goes into logic mode and I think through scenarios before acting." However, in other cases, my brain just explodes with lava and lightning and shuts down. Both are true. What was the difference?
The difference is that in circumstances where I am calm and logical, the crisis was not caused by me, nor would anyone think it is my fault. If I am helping someone else, I am completely Zen.
However, if the crisis could in any way be seen as "Megan fucked up," the monster emerges.
I started to trace other meltdowns I have been having recently. I got very upset at a costume piece I didn't agree with. I shut down after making mistakes in choreography. I get defensive at work when my system is not going to plan.
What connects all of those? The idea that others perceived I made a mistake. Not just that I made a mistake. The important thing, even if I didn't actually make a mistake, was that others might think I made a mistake.
Extrapolating further: What is so bad about people seeing that I might have made a mistake? If I make a mistake in public, people will see that I am bad at something I tried to do. It is a forever state, not a temporary one. I am forever bad at this thing. If I am seen by people making this mistake, they will know that they have put their faith in the wrong person. I have let them down. They have seen the true me, and realized that they do not want me. That they do not love me. I have been fooling them this whole time into thinking that I was great at something, and now the scales have fallen from their eyes, and they see the real monster. So I get defensive, I get mad at myself, I try to push and logic and wheedle, and find excuses, and if I try to do the thing again, I do it worse because I am so agitated and it ends up in a terrible feedback loop.
This is my emotional process behind those moments.
Why is that, I wonder? I remember as a child getting very upset when I asked for a cookie in front of my mom's friends and she said no. I was upset not because I didn't get a cookie, but because the other adults saw me go for something and then get rejected. I remember hiding under the table during Around the World because I didn't want to get asked a math question and answer it wrong in front of everyone.
I don't believe that these were THE EVENT that sparked this layer of my psyche. I feel like it had to have been subtler than that. Like the culture I grew up in was a Fixed Mindset society where process was not as important as product, and making mistakes and taking risks and failing were BAD.
How do I move away from this? I started researching Fixed vs Growth Mindset after I did the above reflection and kinda was blown away. The first thing I read was:
As you approach a challenge, that voice might say to you “Are you sure you can do it? Maybe you don’t have the talent.” “What if you fail—you’ll be a failure” “People will laugh at you for thinking you had talent.” “If you don’t try, you can protect yourself and keep your dignity.”
As you hit a setback, the voice might say, “This would have been a snap if you really had talent.” “You see, I told you it was a risk. Now you’ve gone and shown the world how limited you are.” “ It’s not too late to back out, make excuses, and try to regain your dignity.”
As you face criticism, you might hear yourself say, “It’s not my fault. It was something or someone else’s fault.” You might feel yourself getting angry at the person who is giving you feedback. “Who do they think they are? I’ll put them in their place.” The other person might be giving you specific, constructive feedback, but you might be hearing them say “I’m really disappointed in you. I thought you were capable but now I see you’re not.
I almost cried. These are the tapes that run in my head.
I have to dig a little more into this. I am reading Grit by Angela Duckworth, which is all about deliberate practice. That is helping a little. Setting tiny goals and just pounding away at them every day, getting better and better. A lot of that is private work, though.
What I am finding on Fixed Vs Growth is "Oh you think these thoughts? Try to think these other thoughts instead!" which is very difficult to do. It is a process that requires further study and support. I think an important thing will be asking my friends, "If you see me doing x, please remind me to do y." I will just need to figure out what that is.
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