It has been a while. I have been meaning to write my yearly journal, and I hope I will get to that next week. I have been itching to write, though, so here goes.
I had an interesting experience the other day. My mentor, Casey Kaleba, who teaches me stage combat, offered me the chance to perform for his fight presentation at Shakespeare's Birthday at the Folger. My first feeling was excitement and pride, and then, of course, fear. I went back and forth on whether or not to say yes. I found myself looking for reasons not to, but I couldn't. I had the day free. I am not doing a show, so I am not overwhelmed. And still my brain said "AAAAAAHHHH!" I listened closer, and under all the screaming, it was really saying was: "But what if you fuck up?" THAT was very real. What if I freeze in the middle and forget all my choreography? It has happened before, more than once.
Then another little voice started talking. One in the very back of my head. It was calm and no-nonsense. I have heard this voice come out of my own mouth when giving advice to other people, but rarely in the back of my head. The screaming voice is usually the most attention grabbing. This voice, flat and wry, but loving, said:
"Megan. What is the thing you want to do for the rest of your life? The thing you immediately thought of when Sif, the rune reader, said there was something you are good at that you should keep doing so that you have your perfect day? The thing that gave you fuel for your Rocket monologue in Brother Mario? That thing you feel you must do, even though you don't know why?"
"Fighting," I said.
"What are you getting an opportunity to do here?" other Me said with a raised, patient eyebrow.
"Fight," I said, abashed.
"So go do it."
So I said "Yes." It is scary. I might fuck up. But I will be doing something I love, and it might yield great things.
Yesterday, I saw the above picture. I had pinned it years ago. It struck me again, as I struggle with a) how I want to fill my free time between now and the show, and b) what I want to do with my life. There are elements of my job that I really enjoy, like finding the right book for someone, my small community of library kids, creating a comforting and orderly environment for people to work and play and escape, and ordering new and exciting stories.
There are many elements I do not like: the loneliness, the management, the exposed nature of my desk, the unpredictability of my schedule and lack of regular lunch time, the commute, the teaching, the fact that I am the only librarian and I have no partner or team to create cool things with.
I wonder if I don't like where I am, or if I don't like school librarianship (versus other forms of librarianship), or if I actually do like where I am and I should stop letting small things get in the way. It is hard to tell.
Here is a list of things that make me happy:
1) Snuggling with Lee.
2) Fighting.
3) Writing.
4) Getting drinks and eating good food with one or two friends/family members.
5) Reading.
6) Taking walks in the woods.
Its actually a pretty short list. There are other things that give me pleasure, but these are what make me happy. They give me that feeling where I forget the world and just am there in the present moment, my heart humming.
I do find it interesting that acting is not necessarily on there. It is in pieces. I consider it part of "Writing" because the part of acting I really enjoy feels like writing: creating a story, getting inside of someone's head, living their lives. It is also part of "Getting drinks and eating food with friends" because I get to be with my friends when I act. I got into theater to a) pretend for a living and b) be in a community of friends.
It certainly makes me reexamine my priorities. Theatre often swamps everything else, because it is such a time commitment. My day job makes me feel exhausted at the end of every day so all I want to do is go home, drink, and watch TV. I wonder how I fix that.
I am reading The Year of Yes by Shonda Rimes, and she mentioned saying 'Yes" to her kids' question "Wanna play?" And usually her brain would say "I have no time. I'm off to this meeting. I have this deadline." But usually the kids only want to play for 15 min before they do something else. She has a lot going on, but "I can play for 15 min."
I usually feel like I have to do everything or nothing. But I can do 15 min. Maybe that is the key. Take 15 min. Go for a walk. Take 15 min and write. 15 min and read. Set the timer. 15 minutes is short, but solid. It is a nice triangle on the clock. A quarter. Satisfying.
That takes care of evening stuff: read for 15 min, write for 15 min, walk for 15 min. Not all on the same day. Just when you want to. As for acting, it might be good to take fewer gigs. Fighting is important so it might be good to take more gigs involving that or more classes or workshops. And in order to take more and get better, I need to exercise. So exercise for 15 min a day at least. Even if it is the Buffy work out.
As for friends, if I take fewer acting gigs I can make time for friend dates. I know I need to be the one who reaches out, because many friends suffer from the "what if I am bothering them" syndrome.
The day job situation is a lot harder. It takes a lot out of me. Maybe it is the painful shoes. Maybe it is the fear. Maybe the small changes at home will help that feeling of exhaustion. That will probably be a whole other blog post, exploring my work woes. But at least I am figuring out what makes me happy and moving in that direction.
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